[Insert attention getting title here]

I am definitely blogging about writer's block right now. Why? Because I have it. It's all I can think about some days...

"Oh, this seems like a funny idea to write about! *starts writing* *loses train of thought* Uhh-- I guess not... *deletes post* Hmph."

More often than not I'm posting on my facebook about how I can't think of something to write. It's not like I cover any deep, meaningful topics either... it's just dumb shit that I know people will understand. I do that on purpose, folks. It's not like I don't touch on intellectual topics because I don't know anything about them, but because I feel like that is how you DON'T build a fan base. If I write about politics, someone isn't going to like it. If I write about skinny jeans, if it offends you then I don't want you to read my shit anyway.

Also, not everything can be turned into funny. Sure, there are hits and misses here at the sparkle, and that's what I'm usually trying to avoid, but sometimes it's inevitable. I get to that point where I'm like, "shit, I have to post something or these assholes won't keep coming to my blog!" It's like you forget there are old posts you all have probably never read before... fucking scroll, you lazy assholes. I worked hard on those!

I realized that my blog is a blog about nothing. No specific thing, just real life. I have no niche, I have no set audience... at any one time I can appeal and relate to anyone in the world, and that's why it's hard to write. I hate having to decide who I'm pleasing on any certain day. My blog is the Seinfeld of blogs. Far enough down the line, EVERYONE will relate to it, and love the hell out of it, and I will go down in history. The girl who blogged about nothing. Seinfeld 2.0... this shit could be a sitcom.

One more thing I wanted to add, just to get it out there... but if I post about not being able to think of something to write about, please PLEASE do not suggest ANYTHING that is serious, even in the slightest. Maybe say, "Oh Lauren, you should blog about how the color red makes your eyes feel like fire." or maybe "What about blogging from a dog's perspective?" Those are ideas that I could get the fuck behind... if you have a specific topic that you think needs an almost news-room review, send that shit to Josh. He can handle all those requests, he seems better at voicing his opinions on actual news than I am. I just don't have any fucks left to give.

If you have made it this far, you just read yet another blog about nothing. Wo0t!

Yayyy throwback Lauren to wrap up another pointless post. Twinsies?

Are you a Fashion Victim?

Just a random side note before we get tot he good stuff, but I never thought I'd have a job where I could openly just pull up blogger and start typing away. It feels good man. Ok, that's all I wanted to say...

This post was inspired by a very eye opening conversation that was had this past Saturday night at what was called a "redneck party". (it really was!trucks, dogs, and explosives everywhere!) I also said I would give complete credit for this idea to the kind soul who enlightened me, Mr. TJ Pomerleau. I know you said full name, but this is the internet and I'm pretty sure there would be some crazy stalker looking for you at some point. You might as well thank me for saving you from possibly having to file a restraining order in the future.

So we're standing around at this party, not-so-silently judging people and their terrible fashion choices, when we realized that 90% of the people there had no sense of style. The worst fashion victim, I'd have to say,was the hipster lumberjack. (No, it wasn't you, Brad.) This kid... ugh, it was terrible. Long nasty frizz-ball hair, really friggin' tight skinny jeans, a long sleeve button down flannel shirt, TUCKED-MOTHER-FUCKING-IN to those skinny jeans, AND at some point he seemed to change from cowboy boots to those ugly old world looking hipster shoes. Seriously dude? Where are we right now? This shit needs to go back in whatever hollywood wardrobe closet you found it in. No one wears that shit in real life. Burn it bro. All of it.

Next victim? The ghipster. The ghetto hipster if you will. Skinny young white kid, skinny jeans around his ass, tshirt that was entirely too big for him, stupid cloth hipster shoes again, and a flat billed snap-back. Ok... TJ's first point; Flat billed snap-backs should not exist. They need to be one or the other... this is a serious cry for help. Identity crisis written all over this, and I'm not just talking about the hat. This kind of resembles the spandex and huge shirt phase for women in the late 80's and early 90's. Shit like this just makes me worried that mom jeans are going to come back and girls like me with wide hips will look like sausages about to explode out of their casings... NOT a good look folks. Back to the hats, who wrote that hip hop/rap/whatever suckfest song about snap-backs? Was it Drake? Even if it wasn't, I blame him anyway because he sucks at life. That's enough, Drake.

Oh man! How about that chick with the vagina dress?! I mean... it wasn't literally a vajay on a dress, but it might as well should have been. This thing not only looked like a table cloth for a picnic, but it made her look at least 10 lbs heavier than she was AND when she stood in the light, you could see right through the skirt. Major Lindsay Lohan moment for this poor chick who probably had no idea. I almost feel bad about being a dick about it right now, but I don't know her so IDGAF. :)

Finally we get to something that just makes me giggle... boat shoes. TJ hates them. If you're friends with TJ and you wear boat shoes, sorry... but he hates your shoes. Almost every time you see someone wearing boat shoes, they are never on a damn boat. Never. Who wears shoes on a boat? Shit will get wet! Usually accompanying boat shoes are either khaki shorts, or pastel colored shorts, a brown woven leather belt, and a complementing pastel colored shirt (polo, button down un-tucked, or a guy harvey tshirt). EVERY. TIME.  This is a very effetive way to identify douchebags, fishermen, yacht owners, or people who go to Harvard and have a house in Martha's Vinyard. It's a system, and it works. It's in the bible. I don't need proof because the people who believe that book haven't actually read it anyway, so just take my word for it. It says "Douchebags* wear thy Sperry's" -Psalm 4:20.

Interesting little shindig that was... for a last minute change in my plans, I was satisfied with the result as I not only got a blog post out of it, but I also got to have my feet covered in mosquito bites. Yayyy!!

*Disclaimer: Not all Sperry wearers are douchebags, and not all douchebags wear Sperry's.

p.s. Potato.

How to freak yourself the Fuck out at 3:45am :)

Alright now, picture this... you're all comfy and warm in your bed. You're having a cool ass dream about being a member of the Boondock Saints. You're shooting drug dealers, fighting all sorts of crime and shit... when suddenly, something just isn't quite right.

You don't know what it is at first, but you start to become ultra-aware of your surroundings. What is this unknown force that disturbs my slumber? You think, as your frantically run around your little dream world in a panic-like state.

Have you all had this sort of shit happen before? You are enjoying a dream and then some outside source comes along and fucks all your shit up... it really screws with your mind. In my dream, I was already panicking, and then I began to wake up.

As I was starting to become aware of my conscious surroundings, I realized that something, whatever had disrupted my sleep, was making me terribly uncomfortable. Whatever it was, it was under my back and moving ever so slightly. I can only assume at this point, as I was slowly opening my eyes, that the monster in my closet DID in fact exist, and it was wrapping it's claws around me at this very moment. Not going to lie, my face probably looked a little like this...

I wiggled a little bit to see if maybe one of my muscles was just in a spasm or something, but that slight movement was enough for me to feel that there WAS indeed something moving underneath me. The realization caused me to kick my feet in defense, which scared me even more because MY FEET WERE TIED DOWN! Ok... so upon further inspection, they weren't actually tied, rather just tangled in my blanket. Still. I couldn't move them to kick away this evil creature.

The slight movement was still going steady, and I started to notice that my ear felt as if it were ringing... maybe I had slept on it funny, and it fell asleep. Do ears do that? Hmm. I started to scoot slowly off the edge of the couch (oh, did I mention I sleep on a couch? Well-- I sleep on a couch.) and all of a sudden I hear a noise. It was shrill and loud and made me jump a good 4 feet into the air.


RINGRINGRINGbuzzRINGRINGRINGbuzzRINGRINGRINGbuzzRINGRINGRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You mother fucker.

My phone fell off the arm of the couch while I was sleeping.

I rolled on top of it.

My alarm was going off for work. (yes at 3:45am)

It vibrates and rings... just in case.

I am an idiot.

And idiot who just had her (possibly) 5th heart attack.

Lesson of the story: Buy a bed and a night stand so that you don't roll on top of your phone in the middle of the night and have a heart attack when the alarm goes off.

I'll get by with a little help from my friends...

This is going to be a switch up from my normally funny shit, to some more serious shit. This used to be my place to vent until I realized that no one wanted to hear me bitching and moaning about my first world problems.

I understand that some times people have issues and they go to their friends for help, but I don't really know who to specifically ask for help. That's why I'm here... you're ALL my friends right? Then you should be able to help me with this issue I'm having in life right now.

It is really stressful and exhausting and I'm not sure that I can deal with it much longer. It's really becoming too much for me, I guess I'm just not as emotionally strong as I once thought I was. At one point in my life I felt invincible, but lately it's unbearable. I feel pathetic admitting that something is getting to me so deeply. People struggle every day and you would never know, but this is something that I have been wearing right on my sleeve. If you haven't noticed then you may not be as good of a friend as you or I thought you were.

It's really hard to say this but... I... I just can't decide what color to paint my nails anymore. Usually I wouldn't even wear the same color in a month, but recently I have been repeating the same few colors all summer long. As if my fingers are addicted to squishy neon goodness. I feel a huge amount of guilt inside for the colors that I have been ignoring. I'm sorry, my pretties... you will get your time to shine. <3

My problem though, is deciding. I can't choose. I need help, I'm feeling overwhelmed by the rainbow of choices. The pinks, the blues, the greens... it's all too much! I don't know what I'm going to do with myself!

Please, somebody... anybody... just help me.

How to get 100 Views in a couple minutes...

Boobs.

Porn.

Asses.

Sex tape.

Jordyn Weiber

Olympics

Gymnastics

USA

Shark week

Jenna Marbles

Call me maybe

Rhianna can't sing.

Get on your knees and smile like a donut. (hahaha, sorry I stole that, dude.)

Dwight Howard

Something about drugs and alcohol

Obligatory hot celebrity couple.

p.s. 100,000?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!

The Olympics Are Finally Over, Fantasy Football & NFL Regular Season Begin, and Chad Johnson Got Released

The Olympics have come and gone once again and the U.S. dominated with 104 total medals together, which 46 happen to be gold, forever athletic ownage of all.  I have four to train to make the U.S. Men's or Women's(doesn't matter) Handball team in which I would absolutely put on a performance the Handball world would have never seen before.  Chances of me getting a sneaker deal after I bring the the gold to the U.S. and destroy world records would be 100%

How I have long for the planning of Fantasy Football and the making of my unbelievable team.  The two most important things of Fantasy Football is getting the right QB and your teams name, cus if you have a horrible team name than that can ruin your whole season.  Every guy knows that their team name has to be witty/clever in order to have a great season.  

Also, this marks the beginning of the NFL season which we are all excited about I think, not to sure that Mark Sanchez is excited about it since Tebow is making some deal with God to overtake Sanchez's number 1 spot.  Hey its nice to see the Patriots old friend Chad Johnson is doing well on the Dolphi....oh yea that didn't work out.  The Dolphins cut him due to a domestic abuse arrest he had with his gal.  Guess this proves that the Patriots know how to keep players grounded and out of trouble, a team the shows the best of their players once you're with them but for those who leave then the safety zone is no more.  Such a shame, I was pulling for Chad Johnson but I guess some things aren't meant to be. 

The Miley Cyrus Drug Rehab/Death Pool Has Officially Begun

Fellow Americans, it is with the utmost pride and sincerity
that I present this recording, as a living testament and recollection
of history in the making during our generation. Allow me to re-introduce myself

My name is Hope, oh, H-O- To The P-E
I used to take twitter pictures without a bra and my nips would show.

Its only a matter of time before Miley starts going by her birth name of Destiny Hope, since her new transformation would fit her name perfectly, right?  I sign on to twitter and the first thing I notice is everyone freaking out about Miley getting her hair "did".  But lets face the facts, folks, Miley just won, give her trophy.   She's either giving up on guys and breaking shit off with Thor or this is an elaborate scheme for her next secret project that she is working on.  I have a theory that Kanye West and Sam Ronson aka (Lohan's former munchbox) are about to do something wild and Miley wasn't just cutting it with her long brown locks so she needed to get all whacked out.  That is the only possible explanation folks, give it a couple weeks till they releases some new hotness on the radio.  In case if I'm wrong then the first picture towards the top left with her crazy eyes will become the start of a very interesting Hollywood bio pic or some E! True Hollywood story ish.  Now lets cue the video....

P.S. This what my life has come too now a days, blogging about pop divas living fake life and which razors are better for stubble, on my free time.  

Well I'm Officially Curse Folks, Just The End Of Line Here

Jenna Fuckin Mourey, she's my internet worst enemy, my nemesis, the ever lasting vein to my to my madness. I think Jenna may have pulled one of the greatest internet/persona scams of all time, better than any  Nigerian email scam or Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme. Thus yet again she finally has reached you readers aka mostly the men of this blog because a picture of Jenna in blue bikini with her boobs safely covered and not an accident of those nipples slipping out. However I applaud Lauren with the good idea to get more views and the numbers up but she should have gone with some other broad and her boobs instead of Ms Mourey.  Some of you maybe wondering why am I hating on Jenna, what's my beef with her?  I don't like her and the story is too long so I will just give some reasons why....

• She got famous off Barstool and El Pres, which she deny's that isn't true. If El Pres never hired this squid she would still be making videos while she rolls around on the floor and dances in a cage at night when she goes to work. * I state I'm not even knocking the job she had cause I'm 100% sure she was making more money than I am at the moment.
• Her tips to make faces to scare guys off won't help a girl have a better time at the bar, it will only bring more problems the girls once the face is made and the very drunk or douche bag guy gets angry. All of her videos are horrible, how to make your boobs, what guys/girls think online or during sex....no thanks.  * I don't give out tips but more of useless information that I know no one will ever use or remember. Yes, all of my blogs probably suck ass but I'm not trying to impress anyone, I'm just lazy as fuck and make no sense most of the time.
• She acts like she's one of you normal, nerdy(?), average person, but when you have people constantly tell you that you are their role model and how hot you are then things change.  Boom! Jenna uses that to work her magic with her fans and steal their heart while she makes money from all her view you people give her.  * I'm normal and miserable as hell. I don't care for fans or if people like my work or not so I'm fine.  I do give her credit for her hustle.

I'm not even trying to be funny and most likely this didn't even sound funny so I just wanted to state that.  Also this is no way an attack on Lauren or Jenna, I respect Lauren and back her in her work. I might not agree with her in some stuff but I'm still cool with her....but for Jenna, this more of a PSA I had to do.

P.S. Lauren don't let this affect my paychecks you promise, we can have a sit down about this in October.

Majestically Wonderful Unicorn Poetry

There once was a girl with a blog,

who sat around all day like a log.

She tried to be funny,

to make lots of money,

but her head was in a big fog.

She wants to appeal to the masses,

instead she gets douche bags and asses.

But what could she write,

to bring traffic to her site,

and pay for some new Prada glasses?

While out with her friends she was drinking,

and with that came some deep thinking.

She thought, "I'll write about boobs!"

How could she lose?

And that's when her blog stopped stinking.

She wrote about whores, sluts and skanks,

and took her ideas to the bank.

How could she go wrong,

with Jenna Marbles in a thong?

And she had captain morgan to thank.

I have nothing left to say,

so we'll fast forward ahead to today.

It's kind of big news

to hit 100,000 views,

I bet that blows all you haters away.

The end.

I know, that was magical and majestic.

...almost as much as this...

Jenna Marble's boobs.

Whats The Deal With Female Gladiator Sandals?

I really don't know the proper name for these sandals so I just call them gladiator sandals and google knew exactly what I wanted to find.  Are these ugly ass gladiator sandals the new hotness with you females these days, like these things just look brutally uncomfortable.  How are your feet suppose to stay protected from being steeped on, or clean, stay dry from the puddles, avoid what ever nasty needles/blood/puke is laying around on the street?  Also, aren't those things only available in like three colors? Black, Gold, Shit Brown....yea makes it more worthless.  Yes I know what you ladies are thinking right now at this moment (why the fuck do you even care or are talking about our gladiator sandals?)  Because I have a very dismal life at the moment and when you have a dismal life then you have time to think about the weirdest things that float around in your head. So ladies can you please tell me why you love the gladiator sandals and what makes them so extravagant?  There better be an answer that involves fighting of the sorts or you need to wear them for some extreme day power walking, if not then I don't know what's real anymore in this world.

Wouldn't it be better just to wear a white T with some spandex leggings and crossfit sneakers? Pretty sure that passes for a everyday outfit.

World YoYo Contest 2012: A Recap.

If you didn't attend the world yoyo contest this year, you missed out on a grand time. While not as history making as last year, I'm sure everyone else walked away with as many new friends and memories as I did.

I'd like to start off the recap by saying that the amount of liquor I consumed this year was around a third of last years consumption. Even so, I probably said or did just as many stupid things. Last year for whatever reason, we weren't smart enough to document all the stupid shit that came out of my mouth... but today you can thank Brad for facebooking my drunk ramblings for your viewing pleasure.

"It all happens eventually." (Can honestly say i don't know what I was talking about...)

"I'd want it attached to my hand [so i can slap people with it]." (I was asked what I'd do if I had a penis... yeah...)

"I can't stop petting him!" (about CJ's hair)

"Can I make a pillow out of your face?" (To Brett, with his wonderful mountain man beard.)

"Every time I say hipster, my body punishes me." (nuff said)

"I need my face, that's where my mouth is!" (When asked if I'd rather lose a limb or my face)

"Can I keep your hair as a pet?" (about CJ's hair again...)

You all can laugh at my expense for as long as you want, it's fine... at least I know how to open doors. ;)

As far as photo documentation, I did a terrible job. Well, actually I did an aliright job, I just failed to take any pictures WITH my friends. Lame. But here are some of my favorites...

pink echo :)

Lumber jacks anonymous.

My first victim... if you can't run with the big dogs.... woof.

night time

early morning

Afternoon

Second victim.

coolest booth

Werrd tranny.

This one makes me laugh because of the background... ha.

fashions of wyyc

Eric broke the phone!!!! hahaha

The sunrise from the 14th story balcony.

Tacos!!!

Last but definitely not least, I was very very impressed by the competition this year. My friends definitely made me proud, and I'm going to do them a solid by sharing my favorite freestyles. Congratulations to everyone, and I can't wait to see what you're all going to bring tot he table next year!!

Hank Freeman making 3a his bitch

Eric Tranton gave my goosebumps.

Tyler Severance being super clean 

Samm Scott breaking your concentration...

Ben Conde, winning over all of your hearts.

Of course there were many, many other freestyles that I totally enjoyed and would love to share, but so many people uploaded them to youtube that it's impossible to find them all o.O

I had a great time this year, and I look forward to competing and traveling to even more contests in the upcoming season... thanks to everyone who contributed to the good time!!

<3

The Patty Mayonnaises Of The Real World

Some of you might know what this means and for those who don't know what this means I like to welcome you to something new and somewhat helpful I think, well if this even makes any sense?  The Patty Mayonnaise mostly relates to girl but to those who are pride and confident killers to the utmost degrees, folks.  These girls take the friendzone level and illegitimately just destroy any shred of doubt you have in escaping it and strolling into Smash City.  See we all grew up watching Doug try to win Patty's affection and we cheered for but  time after time we seen Doug fail and just get rejected.  At the same time some girls notice Ms Patty Mayonnaise and saw a role model, inspiration and their secrete identity in a way.  Thus beginning problems for all.

I don't like these girls and I stay as far away from them as I can but I do respect their hustle at the Patty Mayonnaise life.  Other girls hate these Patty girls too since they fuck up shit for them too, how is a girl going to snag the good looking manger at Dicks while they got Patty Mayonnaise turning on the bitch charm and luring him in for the pride theft? I suggest that all good girls, gals, closet sluts, smuts and sluts unite to take down these monsters and stop them from ruling life for both female and males. I know I'm tired of them taking points away from me at Trivia night just because the judge thinks they are absolute gifts.  Ladies, I know you don't want these girls giving you the stank eye at the bar when you walk pass them with your guy. Time to unite folks.

Now I lost the point I was going to get to since I was thinking about Doug snapping and just going Chris Brown on Patty Mayonnaise which this whole blog will become pointless, so I'm going to try and finish it up.  If you see a Doug in trouble, if you are a Doug in trouble, do your part and help them escape the clutches of the Patty Mayonnaises.  I haven't found a way to defeat them yet since I'm lazy at the moment and I'm too busy going after the non bitchy - high profile looking girls( taking applications for non smokeshow girl) so if anyone has any suggestion on how to take them down then feel free to share.

Lil Wayne Says Goodbye To Rapping And Hello To The Skateboarding Life

ESPN - "Apparently his broken clavicle and numerous stitches haven't put a damper on iconic rapper Lil Wayne's enthusiasm for skateboarding. Although the rapper's latest mixture, "Dedication 4," drops on Aug. 15, last week in an interview with Atlanta, Ga. radio station HOT107.9, Wayne confessed that he's going to be taking a hiatus from his music career to focus his full attention of skateboarding.

"I picked up the skateboard and I thought it'd be a hobby and what happened is it's a lifestyle. In order to be fully committed you have to live that lifestyle. With these young kids now, you have to be about that life. It's kind of putting rap on the back burner. Rap is taking a backseat to skating. I believe my fans deserve some peace from me. I'll be on my skateboard in the meantime."

1. Really ESPN, I head over to your site to take some polls, read some fantasy football updates and what do I see in the corner?  Lil Wayne is committing to skateboarding and leaving the rap game behind, a las the new raplete. Yea I just created a new word and I'm going to trademark the hell out of it when I'm not lazy.

2. Lil Wayne fuckin sucks in rapping and in skateboarding.  I never was a big Wayne fan but I did enjoy the Carter 3 and No Ceilings, but his new shit the Dedication 4 is horrible.  Already heard a couple tracks and it's mostly Wayne just mumbling with grunts and many "Ha-Ha's!" Now Wayne can practice all he wants at skateboarding and drink enough purple drink to convince himself he is Terry Kennedy on the half  pipe but to us normal folks we all know that he is just making a fool of himself and hopefully injuries himself.  "I'm always looking for the next thing to do. It does get pretty boring when it comes to just the rapping and all that type of stuff," he said." How about you just retire from rapping and skateboarding and invest in a women's soccer team and make them the next big story, or how about team up with Tyler Perry and keep making horrible horrible movies. 

3. This should have been a Curios Case of Lil Wayne - What the fuck happen to you and why are you so god damn  fucked in the head?

I hope I don't see him on ESPN's highlights or Top 10's of the night ever! However I would like to thank Lil Wayne for taking a break from rapping so I won't have to bother hearing his new "fire flames" rhymes anytime soon. Also if Lil Wayne is somehow finds a way to completely prove me wrong and owns the skateboarding sports world(?) then that means us blacks get to rule in another sports(?) league too. 

P.S. Lil Wayne needs to go get lessons from Pharrel and Yelawolf about skateboarding, for some reason they are the only two rappers that can back up their skateboarding cred.