It's that time of year again!

Have you been here before? I'm going to assume you haven't. A lot of people haven't, so don't feel guilty for missing out on all of this shiny goodness. Anyway, around this time last year, there was a pretty memorable event... let's just call it THE FRIGGIN' WORLD YOYO CONTEST.

circa 2008... quack.

Yoyo contest? The fuck? I know, I've thought the same thing... but yes. It's amazing. The community is what makes it, and everyone who HAS been here before knows what went down last year. Holy shit. I'll sum it up for the rest of you...


Kidnapping, bobble cow, sleeping in a cobalt, sleeping in a hallway, rice krispies treats, ramen-- so much ramen, A LOT of rum and vodka and beer, more ramen, finding the french guy, what's that smell?, failing at drunk yoyoing, not remembering what day it is, and if it's even day time, filling up the hot tub with way too many people, the poo, Skip's voice from heaven, and finally (or from what i can remember) mother fuckin' drunk ramblings.

Does that sound like a bad time to anyone? NO. Because it was flippin' amazing! That is, until someone who wasn't even there had a little cranky pants episode... but that's old news. I think.

Well this year is slightly different... you know why? Because I don't know why... I'm still waiting to find out why, actually... maybe it won't be different at all. Sans-kidnapping is all I can come up with. Shit... side tracked...

I am sooo excited to watch finals this year. I kind of want Samm Scott to own the shit out of 5a like he did at Nationals, and i also want to see Hank Freeman blow me away with his 3a amazingness. Aside from the previous champs though, I want my ES crowd to do some owning too... so good luck to those of you competing! (Will? Alex? Sam? Who else???) Can't forget being reunited with my little gang of cool kids... Brad and Brett, you two better be ready! Sam, I expect more craziness!

Anyway, I know this isn't the regular kind of post you're all used to because there's no mention of boobs, butts, or jenna marbles, or some train wreck starlet. But I've gotta keep it real right?

Right.

See you all next week :)
<3

The Curious Case Of Taylor Momsen aka Cindy Lou Who

It's that time again folks, Part two of the "Curious Case Of" some starlet that baffles my mind and maybe your mind as well.  I had planned to do Kristen Stewart like I talked about in part one but I guess that Rupert fellow already figure out what's the case with Kristen.  Damn shame she did Rob dirty like that, is she blinded by Rob's sick hair flow and stunning jawline? Oh well, good thing I had plan B which I assume Kristen Stewart was probably popping like skittles every morning. Now lets dissect the Curious Case Of Taylor Momsen....

 

Who remembers this adorable little face from the grinch? The pure heart of gold child that help the Grinch cold little heart grow three sizes to become a function member of the Who's. Now something mysterious must have happen to young Ms Momsen from her innocent childhood, throughout her teenage and young adulthood. I mean some serious E True Hollywood story shit that I would sit down on my couch for and watch that episode without getting up.  Somehow she grew up and turned into this kind of a dirty smokeshow.....nope never mind.

What the fuck happen?! Did Lindsay Lohan kiss this broad at some point in her life and some how infected her which caused a serious of utterly bad judgments?  She's whipping her X covered boobs out during her concerts while she drifts off to where ever it is that she goes to.  At least she isn't strung out and on the verge of being dead-ish yet, so it seems that her mental health is okay for the time being. You know the saying "some where her father weeps" womp womp, looks like he probably joined the club and just gave up hope but still loves her. I can't figure out this case so I also lose on this one and I will pass it along to anyone who deems themselves capable of handling this. Best of luck to you.

P.S. Really Taylor, really?! You use to be a Shake' N Bake little girl, did they not teach you the proper technique of Shaking the bag? Did you slap yourself in the face too many times and that may be a reason to what contribute to this change? 

P.P.S. Taylor was devastatingly hot when she use to be in Gossip Girl, like she gave Blake Lively a run for her money when she was slutting it up in that school girl uniform.

My Divorce With Shark Week...The Bitter Ending

How many people spent their youth during the summer watching something educational, something that gives you facts that you can you use in school or impress some girl in your class?  Now how about once you grew up to a slightly mature age and you continue to watch this summer classic educational programming that has really turned into a source for bar arguments, hence leads to trivia once a night during the week. Finally it's that time again to embrace one of your summer traditions but this time you don't even remember or have that same feeling towards it anymore, almost like Ms Katie Holmes just gave Tom Cruise the "Eh, you're still around?" treatment.

Ladies and Gents, I am finished with Shark Week, the love is no longer there. The Discovery Channel no longer owns me for one week during the summer just to have me watch the same shit that I have been watching for the last 17yrs or so that I have been watching. Yea I was their bitch but now I know better, I know I am never going to use their information in any situation at all, their information and facts won't get me laid or make me money. We had some good times together but I had to do it for me, for my sanity and pride. Also the Discovery Channel does not recognize Sharktopus as part of the new discovery of Sharks so that is another major factor that played into this divorce.

Motherfucker has its own theme song, how ridiculous is that?

Now I would like to propose some other ideas to replace Shark Week with a fresh start. Here is ______ week.....

1. Owls - I love Owls, these birds are underrated and just have to much attitude for the rest of the birds. They have their big ole eyes, great hunters, best sound (hooting), Mr. Owl, Professor Owl, Snow Hedwig.
2. Giraffe - Have you seen them? Their necks have a story of their own. I always wanted to own a Giraffe so I can ride it to every bar I go to, just roll up on my Giraffe and I guarantee that panties will drop and vip service for the rest of the night.
3. Zombies, Closet Sluts, Sluts, Bitches, Douchebags, ect - Give each one of those things a week to themselves on the Discovery Channel and I promise you that ratings will sky rocket to the top. You legit have hours of entertainment and actually facts to those groupings. 

Alright that is it folks, another useless and non funny blog brought to you buy me. For those of you who are watching Shark Week I wish you the best of luck. To Those who aren't watching Shark Week I hope you are getting drunk, enjoying the weather or going to pound town/smash city.

Dear Adam Sandler...

Hey Adam! Lauren here. Huge fan. Love Billy Madison, you were pretty hot in that movie, even if you were slightly retarded.

Sooo, this may sound a little weird, but I think we're supposed to be bff's or something. I know, I know... who is this chick? But I promise, it is meant to be. I'm not a Jew or anything, though I've been told I look like one, however I think we'll still get along.

First of all, we could be siblings. Or you could be my dad... hmm... but I'll go with siblings. Dopplegangers, even. Don't believe me? Take a peek at exhibit A below.

Recognize this sexy mo'fugga? Good, because that's you Adam. In all of your strange, strange glory. See-- you and I have something in common sir. We're both fucking insane. Insanely funny, insanely good looking, and also plain insane.

We share a nose... a beautiful, long, gracefully sloped nose. Pretty sure our eyes are the same color too. Olive skin made from pigment only found in dreams.


I think I really resemble you in this picture of me in 2008, don't you think? I've got that whole train-wreck vibe thing going... I can totally see it.


Also, I have to point out that I took an online test that is supposed to tell you what kind of funny you are. Besides the obvious answer of "really fucking funny," I wasn't too shocked by the results. We're twinsies, bro! Basically, you are my rich and famous and popular older brother. (Or I'm your broke, nobody, introverted sister, either way...) This test said I am vulgar, spontaneous, and dark. Shit is dead on, amiright? Check these results and tell me I'm not your little protege...

How is my offer sitting with you so far, Mr. Sandler? Am I convincing you at all? Why do I even need to convince you? You should already be hopping in your Mr. Deeds chopper, on your way over to mi casa for a nice game of fooseball. (Your mom let's you play that now, right?) Either way, biffle party at my house dude!

 Maybe those slightly old and unflattering photos don't really do it for you. Here, I've gathered some more supporting evidence.

Your judgmental glance

       I do this little "I see what you're doing... " look quite often. In fact, It's kind of my thing. Proof? You asked for it...

My judgmental glance.

But some times you make other faces... this, for example. I call this your "sideways glance." A different version of the judgmental glance, but slightly less "I dissaprove," and more "I'll try not to laugh.."

Your sideways glance

Though not as sideways as this example, I'm still right there with ya...

My sideways glance.

Now to take the cake... (I swear, we've got to be related...)

Our candid open mouth shots... How many friggin' people have candid open mouth shots?! Not very many.

Your candid open mouth shot

Here it comes....

My candid open mouth shot.

I know, I look slightly more surprised, but that's fine. You are a man, you have to look slightly stern and mysterious.

Adam... ohh Adam. Please be my friend? At the least, teach me everything there is to know about being awesome and funny and ridiculously good looking. Then maybe write a movie or a comedy sketch with me. Take me under your wing. I'll convert! I'll do anything! --well... I lied. Not anything. But close.

Think about it... I'll be waiting for your email. <3

p.s. I forgive you for jack & jill. Now THAT is dedication.

edit: ok, can't make the gender leap? here we go...

Comedic Seduction... Sweet, Sweet Seduction.

Ladies and creepy assholes, the time has come to announce my new project. YouTuber McHenry Cruiser and myself have teamed up into the comedy duo of the century, and we are going to bring you the podcast of all podcasts.

Comedic seduction is a work of genius, if I do say so myself. Who all better to provide you with your prescribed dosage of awesomeness than these two exceptionally handsome folk right here? No one, that's who.

In all seriousness though, McHenryCruiser is an extremely funny guy, and if you like what you read here then you will like our show. We would both love it if you all would give it a listen and show your support once we start putting up regular shows. The subject of discussion will be ever changing, but one thing is for sure, shit will be funny as hell AND entertaining. I promise, guys.

Start getting the bitches excited, we're going to take over the world! (just play along, don't be a dick.)

Until next time... Boooom. (That was the Cruiser man's line... just get used to it, shit is catching on.)

The Curious Case of Jennifer Lawrence....

So last night I finally saw the Hunger Games, which I know I am a couple months late on my moving viewing.   Basically a whole bunch of kids get tossed in into the wilderness to kill each other and win for their district/shanty town.  Now this Jennifer Lawrence gal was also in X-Men first class as that blue naked lady with the shell skin, but it wasn't till last night that I notice something.  This might not make sense but JF has to be the most average hot looking celebrity in Hollywood and in films, am I right?  She seems like the hot girl at some house party or a bar that just strolls in with her natural good looks but not over the top "fuckin christ" reaction some other girls may get.  I was going to call her a "Poor Women's version of....." but it's not happening.  Does she have a twitter page?  I need to ask her if she would like to get some late night coffee and watch the Bon Iver with me at some weird coffee combo bar place and make my move on her.  If she keeps it she might knock Kristen Stewart off for the average hot looking celebrity title.  Yea, the Curious Case of Kristen Stewart part 2 of this blog for another time.
 Hey Kristen Stewart, that whole wearing a beautiful ass dress with converse is such a mind fuck.

I've found a use for Octomom, Shane Dawson, and Pitbull.

NOPE! Fuck this shit guys, I feel creepy crawly little suckers crawling allllllll over me right now. I lay my head down on my pillow thinking, "Yeah, I'm moderately tired now, I guess I an get some sleep." But no. What happens? I see a blur hovering just over my face. Focus my eyes a little bit, and what is it? It's a fucking spider. Directly over my face. Know what I hate more than almost anything?? Friggin' spiders.

Do you think they know? Is there a spider newsletter that goes out across the web (ha, I chuckled) informing all the bastard spiders in the world where innocent faces are that they can dangle themselves in front of? I wouldn't be surprised.

I was told rather recently that if spiders were eliminated, that bugs would take over the world in three days or some shit. Yeah well... well that would suck too, but at least there wouldn't be spiders. Am I right or am I right?

I feel like there should be spider killing teams... just as there are zombie killing teams. Only  these teams, it would be undesirables. First plan of attack? OctoMom... naked octomom. That would scare anything away... that chick isn't good for anything anyway, why not make her work for her undeserved 15 minutes of fame. If all the spiders didn't retreat after that gross excuse for a human flopped around for them, I'd simply play a mixture of Shane Dawson videos and Pitbull songs, (Yet another unbearable combination.) and that should kill them instantly. Those 2 thing mixed could explode anyone's brain in a matter of seconds. Spiders have brains right? Whatever, we're sacrificing these assholes anyway.


Maybe I am over reacting... spiders might already have developed an immunity to absolute trash. 


It still freaks me the fuck out that if my eyes hadn't been open, that little thing could have landed right on my face. jdrhnjnhelrtkhs vniwayhn4ltiv 37y4ln... gross.


OK. Now that I somewhat rose from my almost-slumber to tell you guys a shitty story, I will beg you all once again, to keep spreading the word about my lovely little website here. You have no reason not to, really... i the end, it benefits everyone. A Happy Lauren makes for a more entertaining blog.


And how about that out of left field come back by Josh?! I can get used to his frequent manly insights again...  even though some of you haven't noticed that I'm not the only one blogging here. See that little diddy a the bottom where the button to comment is? That tells you who the author of the post was. Give the man some feedback!!


Goodnight folks... or not. Maybe spiders are after us all. But maybe not. Who knows...


p.s. Tom Cruise.

Dear God, Please allow the NFL Referees to be on the Field This Season

NBC Sports "As if the NFL doesn’t have enough problems right now, they’ve apparently caused referee Ed Hochuli to go Hulk.

The men who officiate pro football games currently are locked out by the league, and their union will be holding a conference call Wednesday regarding the situation.  One of the participants will be Hochuli.

And if Hochuli will be talking, it could be wise for the reporters to pack a lunch.  And a dinner.

Other participants will be referee Scott Green, NFL Referees Association counsel Michael Arnold, and NFLRA executive director Tim Millis.

Topics are scheduled to include the current contract negotiations, the lockout, the NFL’s plan to use replacement officials, and the locked-out officials’ “preparation and training.”

The last subject suggests that the NFLRA will claim that, even though the officials currently are missing no games, they’re not getting the kind of organized work that gets them ready for football season.  Which means that, even if the lockout ends before Week One of the regular season, they won’t be as good as they usually are.

Or, as some of you would say, they’ll be worse than they usually are."

Am I the only one worried about not seeing Ed "Murder Arms" Hochuli not in his smedium(yes, I said smedium, new word I am using now.) zebra shirt and  Mike Carey the black referee with his slick stash during this upcoming football season?  Am I the only one concern about this referee "strike", I think I maybe.  The NFL refs are the best and most fair refs in all of the sporting world.  I don't want replacement NCAA, UFL, or Arena League refs trying to officiate the outcome of any Patriots games or my Fantasy Football  leagues, way too much on the line with those last two.  I for one hope this shit gets taken care of soon, since we have about 49 days left till the season starts.  Someone tweet Ochocino and tell him to talk to Dad aka Roger Goodell and tell him we or I want the NFL refs out there.

Related but kinda not related to the upper portion P.S. When CBS had a major contract issue with Gus Johnson and they wouldn't give the man his money which he ended up leaving and not announcing anymore NCAA basketball games or March Madness games was probably one of my saddest sports moments ever.  Watching the tourny isn't the same anymore.

People Who Claim to Hate KFC Are Living In Fake Life

Anyone who tells you that they don't like KFC or it's the worst fast food ever has to be a god damn maniac and liars to themselves and to the people around them.   Today on my way home I was engaging in a dinner conversation with a person and I mention I was in the mood for a chicken sandwich and this person who shall remain nameless, told me to go to Chick-Fil-A for a chicken sandwich.  First, Chick-Fil-A fuckin sucks ass, their whole company chicken menu sucks and taste like rubber. Also their prices for a single chicken sandwich with one leaf of lettuce is just outrageous.  Now I would much rather get my chicken sandwich from a sub shop since I know it will most likely be fresh but that's not the argument here.

KFC has a bucket of chicken to fill up your family, friends, and people you hate.  Do you know what that means?  They get the itis and they fall asleep and leave you alone, plus you don't have to cook!  Hey if you don't like the chicken then how about you get a side of two 2 biscuits, mash potatoes, corn, wedges, cake, the famous bowl.  What average person doesn't like all of those options, how is one going to argue that KFC has horrible food and it taste bad?  I am 100% sure that the Olsen twins run game on a couple of chicken snackers and corn on the side, and those girls usually diet on air and pills.  Now those people who don't like KFC better throw up in if a piece of chicken touches their tongues or a smell of chicken enters their nostrils better drive them mad, because if those two things don't happen to them then they are closet KFC lovers.  Crazy thing is that KFC isn't even in my top five favorite places to eat, nor my top 10.

1. Mike's Pastry, North End, Boston. ( Does that even count as a place to eat?)
2. B&F Pizza, North Waltham
3. Jack & Joe's, Norwood (Unbelievable bbq cheese sauce)
4. Shivvers Fish House, Shivvers Mississippi,
5. 360 Sports Lounge, Houston Texas,
6. Carl's Subs, Waltham
7. Whikeys, Boston
8. Tavern in the Square, Allston
9. Sal's Pizza & Tony's Gyro's Southside Carson Pittsburgh
10. Olive Garden.

Epic Idea of Epicness!

Last night there were many brilliant ideas born as my new "partner in crime" and I recorded our first podcast. "Wait... podcast?" You ask? Yes. But that's for a whole other day.

During our conversation we talked about the trials and tribulations of online dating, and how creepy and weird people can be, as well as the lies that are told by men and women alike. Mr. Cruiser Man (MCM for the purposes of this post) was telling me how he created a fake profile for a girl that he went out with at one point, just to see what the other side of the online dating world was like. Oh. My. God. This man is a genius.

In a little over 2 days he got close to 400 messages from guys trying to get into this fake girl's pants. Shortly after creating the profile, however, the website deleted it because he was sending straight girls messages trying to "convert them" (his words) but during that time he had an amazing idea... He thought, Hey... what if I can get as many dudes as possible to meet this "girl" at Starbucks all at the same time?  Just picture it. Somewhere from 20-90 guys all showing up at some poor unsuspecting coffee shop, all waiting for a girl who's never going to come, and being filmed by MCM for future embarrassment. Brilliant right?

He told me this plan and a light bulb immediately flickered above my head. What if I can actually pull that off? I'm a real girl, with the real urge to punk the shit out of some real dudes. Awesome. If I do this though, I'm going to need some help.

First, I need to find some friends to be my hidden cameramen. Preferably people with smartphones who are proficient at looking like they're texting, while they're actually filming. I figure 4 people scattered around starbucks with iphones won't look suspicious in the slightest. Then, I'm going to need to develop a profile of sorts for either me or a really attractive friend of mine, and let the messages roll in. The tricky part will be keeping up with responses, and who is going to show up... getting them to agree to meet probably won't be an issue because we all know what guys want.

One thing will lead to another, and I will be walking up to a starbucks with 30 or so eager single guys all waiting to meet the same girl... only it won't be me. I will then recruit a daring male friend to dress in terrible drag, which will include a very recognizable article of clothing from one of the pictures on the dating profile. He will walk in the door, walk up to the counter and order a coffee. When they ask for his name to write on the cup, he will loudly proclaim, "Lauren!"

Cue awkward looks from a large number of men. Cameras rolling will catch the reactions, if there are any at this point. If nothing happens yet, I will instruct my wonderful volunteer to sit down beside one of my friends with an iphone and mention loudly, "I'm so nervous, Im supposed to be meeting a date here!"

Then shit will get real... I hope by this point everyone will be looking at the man in women's clothing who just claimed to be all their dates. NOW here's the bigger twist... I walk in. I walk over to the fake Lauren (if I'm not stopped by familiar glances) and he will stand up and say "OMG! *fake name*! So nice to meet you!"

What I want to know is how is this not hilarious? How is this not going to be an epic adventure of epicness? Why hasn't this been done yet (to my knowledge)??

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not a famous tv/film/radio producer yet... sometimes.

Blowing Shit Up.

Americaaaa, fuck yeah! Only here do we celebrate our country's freedom by blowing shit the fuck up. How friggin' cool does that make us, you ask? Infinitely cool.

Speaking of shit being blown up, I thought it'd be appropriate to pay homage to cool shit that has blown up recently. (or not so recently) Prepare to have your minds BLOWN.

Numero Uno... my ego. Through the damn roof, son. I walk around like I'm made of magical boob crystals of awesomeness, mostly because I am. Also because, why not? Carpe diem, broski.

Ok, most important subject out of the way (told ya, that was my ego talking.)... I took some time to think about things that would look really cool if they blew up. It was tough, because I had to kind of think about things that everyone would agree on... and then throw those out the window because i dont care what you think is cool, shit is all about me!

The first obvious answer is unicorns.You and I both know that you feed some TNT to a unicorn, that's going to be a good time. Unicorns don't really die, right? They only sparkle less. Picture it-- the initial boom will smell like gumdrops and honeydew melons. Glitter EVERYWHERE, rainbows from every crevice of sweet sugary, fleshy goodness. (wait, can you eat unicorn? It's organic right? ) I feel like a unicorn explosion would taste like how sunshine feels after a long winter. Mmm... Hawaiin Tropic.

Here, have a bowl of Unicorn.

Know what else I would like to blow up, if of course there would be a chance of re-assembly? Jenna Marbles. I don't mean I want to do anything violent to her, I just want to see whether or not she is a cyborg. There is no way that body is real... no way. And that sense of humor? Has to be computer generated somehow. Bitches just don't think up sexual Wednesdays. Mmk, now imagination time... what would Jenna look like if she exploded? Is it even possible? She might have twilight-esque skin that's hard as diamonds, or straight up solid titanium insides. Hey, maybe this chick is actually thousands of little fairies that were sent to this planet to serve as a role model for hot girls everywhere. There it is, she's un-fucking-blow up-able. Congratulations Jenna, you will survive everything, ever.

Explosions in the sky behind this bitch, and she doesn't give a single fuck.

We will stick with the trend of blowing up shit that I really like. This next one will hit a lot of people hard so just remember, this is hypothetical... for the most part.

Reddit.

 Fuuuuucking Reddit, folks. Envision it... first, the asshole jesus memes, scattered across starbucks' and dorm rooms world wide. Then the rage comics. Me Gusta. Then shit will get real. BOOM! A huge mob of exploding cats from every corner of the internet! Fat cats, hipster cats, condescending cats, and jerk face cats all flying through the air to the tune of Eye of The Tiger. *sniffs* --It would be beautiful.

Ok, I'm getting too emotional now. I also have the urge to actually blow shit up and that probably isn't a good idea... ya know... to give me fire. I can't have anything nice. For real, i ruin everything. S'cool though.

What would you guys like to blow up? You have no excuse not to comment because I made it so easy that your moms can do it. For real, try that shit.

As I'm approaching the home stretch to 100k views I'm going to try and speed that shit along, so for those of you helping out THANK YOU and keep an eye out for some special new developments. For real this time. :)