In lieu of recent "zombie" attacks, I have become motivated to share with you all, my plans for the impending zombie apocalypse.
It is pretty friggin' crazy how our very own Josh Jones predicted such mayhem back when he posted
this little gem. Some might say it was intuition, but whatever it was, I want him on my team. Hear that Josh? I have a duffel bag full of grenades for you.
So ladies and gentlemen, get out your note pads and pencils because I'm going to tell you everything you need in your zombie survival kits.
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| (yes this is real, and it's cool as fuck) |
To start off any zombie kit you're going to need some ammo. That fucker in Miami took in 6 or more shots before he stopped chowing down on dude's face... so stock up, these assholes are tough. If you can hunt down some Rambo-esque belt things, that would be good too, don't want to waste time having to reload if there's a herd after you.
Of course, if you have ammo, you need something to load it into. No offense ladies, but now is not the time for your little .22... sure, it will work in a pinch, but you need to step it up and get a big girl gun. Something big and powerful to minimize rounds fired and maximize damage. Guys, if you do have some girls, aka weak links, on your team then it would be best to stick some silencers/suppressors on there... bitches get all excited and trigger happy-- don't want a repeat of the Walking Dead because some dumb chick made a whole lot of noise.
Now, in my opinion, there's no point in waiting for the zombies to come to you. You could be waiting forever, and waiting sucks when you're in the mood to shoot things, so I came up with a brilliant idea...
In order for this to work you may need some military experience, or just be a smart mo'fugga. Find the zombies... find where they congregate and find where they hunt. Then once you have a pretty good idea of where a good lot of them will be, you get some babies. Babies are pretty useless, and plus they smell like ass, so it's ok to sacrifice a few for the safety of your team. So yeah, throw some babies out there as bait, and the zombies will come running. When they are still a safe distance away, but close enough for a good amount of massacre, let loose. Unload some major lead into those fucker's heads and watch them drop... it's a real satisfying feeling knowing you just killed massive amounts of cannibalistic death machines.
Now obviously you will need nourishment to keep you going for however long it takes you to come out on top, and with that we are going to thank the genius of Woody Harelson. Fuckin' twinkies. Those things never go bad! They are also light as shit! Load up your pack with some twinkies and water, and you've got one constant stream of artificial, creamy, delicious energy. But uh... sorry Woody... still not going to see Rampart.
Aside from little odds and ends like ropes, knives, tents, and dry socks, the rest of what you put in your kit is in your hands. I'm not going to feed you ALL the keys to survival because i dont give a fuck if you all survive, unless you want to roll with my crew. I haven't decided on a sweet name yet, but there will be shirts sooo... I don't know any other zombie killing team with shirts, which mean mine might be the team to join.
Members of my team so far
Me (im el capitan.)
Mom
Dad
Broski
Josh (the token black guy)
Ace Frehley
Verne Troyer
Jenna Marbles
Mark Ruffalo
Chris Evans
that hot guy who played Thor
RDJ
Scarlett Johanssen
I'm accepting applications for both zombie team members, and blog writers... so get at me bro!
