What The Fuh, Neighbor?

So, obviously I haven't been on here in a little bit. It's cool though because I have been working and making money to help support my blogging habit. Ha. Anyway, the first two weeks that I was working was during the busier of the 4 "seasons" in my area. Daytona Beach Bike Week.

ksjmgnl uiy4lnv34cumjr y. That's all I can say to describe that. It's not a bad thing, it's just like... ten days of heightened stress for locals. But nothing bad arose due to the events. It was actually a good one, lots of people lots of money, and good times were had. I was actually pretty bummed that nothing crazy happened that i could write about. But then I watched Jenna Marbles video from yesterday about her neighbor being a bitch. I think that rang a few bells in my exhausted brain, and I remembered a little episode from about a week ago.

The house directly to the west of us is owned by a police lieutenant from Maryland named John. He is fucking awesome. One of the coolest, most laid back guys ever. Him and his house guests were quiet too, the only time we heard them was when they were all leaving or coming home from the bar. Anyway, most of the the time they just hung out in the garage with the doors all open, drinking beers and bullshitting.

One night around 11 or so, I had just got home from work when Ryan comes inside and says "hey there's some other neighbors next door, we should go meet them." Hey why not, right? So I stick Marley on her leash and walk over. It was John, an older couple from the opposite corner of the street, and a 30-something chick from down the road a bit.

I could smell it already, everyone was bombed. The older woman immediately developed a love for Marley and was distracted by her fluffiness for the rest of the night. Ryan was talking to John and the older man, and I was stuck talking to the other chick. She seemed alright at first, but as time went on, and the alcohol further absorbed into her trashy little blood stream, the nasty came out. The following are actual bits of conversation throughout the night...

Older Lady: This is the cutest dog I've ever seen!!
Chick: She looks ugly to me... I'm just not a dog person.

Are you fucking kidding me? My dog is the winner of the cutest dog of the millennium award. Says me. The fuck are you? The dog grinch?

Chick: What nationality are you?
Me: I'm kind of a mutt I guess. (I was still mad about the ugly dog thing.)
Chick: Oh, I was going to say you looked like you had some Jew in you.

Hold up... let me get this straight... I'm not really offended if someone thinks I'm Jewish. I get it, I have a nose on me, whatever, but she said that like it should've stabbed me in the heart. Also, since when is being Jewish a nationality? Did you go to school, asshole? Didn't think so.

Chick: You really love that dog, huh?
Me: Yeah, she's our baby.
Chick: I don't get how you can treat an animal like a child. You should get rid of the dog and just have kids. It's more rewarding.
Me: Umm... no. I'm way too young to start having kids, and I really don't like nor want any, at least not any time soon.
Chick: So, I'm 32 and I have 3 kids, you think I was too young?
Me: You're kidding right? If you're 32, then I'm starting high school next month. And yes, you should have never breed.

I then stood up and said, "Sorry, I have to go, I have a job to go to tomorrow, unlike some of us," at which point i glared in this skank's direction.

I didn't think people like this really existed... I mean, I've read about them on reddit, but I thought those were just folk tales. I can't believe I live on the same street as this leech.

Fluffy Ginger Asshole Cat

Trust me when I say that i am an animal person. If I see a wild animal minding its own business, you bet I'm that bitch who wants to go pet it. I'll go up to anything that has an semblance of "cute" in it. Except for lizards, they scare the shit out of me.

Obviously, I love dogs. I have been surrounded by them since I was born, and I will be surrounded by them until I die. I love cats too, but only cat who are mine or are owned by someone I know. I fucking hate stray cats... and this is why...

I live in a house. A house on a street. A street where my neighbors are mostly a few decades older than i am. One of those neighbors either has a large number of outdoor cats, or feels the need to feed any stray cat that she sees. Know what happens when you feed a stray cat? It hangs around. And when said cats are hanging around and not being fed, do you know what they do? They roam. Mainly, they roam in my yard.

Cats are cute... but they aren't fucking cute when they are peeing in my car port. They aren't cute when they're belting out meows of agony in the middle of the night right outside my window.They also aren't cute when they decide to try and attack my dog when she's trying to poop in the backyard.

That's right fluffy ginger asshole cat... i'm talking to you. If I see your furry flea infested tail on my side of the fence I swear, that hose will be on blast and pointing in your direction. Wait... I know what this is... Garfield is  the new host of Punk'd right?

Oh-- that's Justin Bieber? Ugh, fuck him too.

I hate stray cats. (that was the message of this blog... in case you were confused by the lack of anything informative in this post.)

Losing Faith: A Rant.

I have decided to write a letter to America. No one specific,just America as a whole... so listen up because I'm talking to all of you.

Dear America,

        What the fuck are you thinking? Like honestly... do you even realize what is going on in this country lately? Do you see the people who are running for President? They are all fucking insane! They want to run this country based off of religious arguments! that's so fucked up! It's fucked up because these people legitimately believe the shit that they're preaching, and the shit that they're preaching is so retarded that it hurts my brain to think about it. I understand that not all the candidates are bible thumping creeps, but there really isn't a good guy in the line-up. I also understand that there probably never will be an "ideal" candidate who will have a way to make everyone happy... but here is what i don't understand... as citizens we can blatantly see that almost all of the current people in the running suck ass, but no one is doing anything about it.

We out number these jackasses so why aren't we walking up to the TV Cameras and saying, "Hey sorry to interrupt, but I don't want to pick from this group,can we have the next group please?" I mean, we get to do it on American Idol so why can't we do it with shit that actually matters? That makes me think that American Idol was created to give the citizens of America some sense of control so that they don't realize they're being kicked to the curb for the real elections. I don't want to vote for some idiot in a sequin dress who can imitate some irrelevant country singer... I want to vote for some one to run the country who i don't feel will totally ruin the rest of my adult life.

The scariest thing is that out of all the republican GOP candidates, the guy who was in the lead is the WORST FUCKING ONE. He's the guy who said that JFK's speech made him feel sick. Yeah, Santorum? Well YOU make me feel sick. I feel like if Santorum was elected then i would forever live in a country of ankle length denim skirts and itchy cardigans. I guess I just don't understand how, in this day and age,and with the type of technology we have today, how people can still put so much weight on religion. I really just don't understand it.

Anyway America, I guess I'm just trying to say that I am really disappointed in you. You had such a good thing going here. We need to stop focusing on how we think others should live their lives. Equal right for everyone... the end! Now get back to figuring out how to bring the unemployment rate down and the worth of the dollar up so that I don't have so much time to sit here and write stupid blog posts.

Sincerely, Me.


Get your shit together, people. I know i'm not alone.

The Midol Milkshake

Like every other day that comes around once a month, today started with me walking my dog around the block and having to turn around half way because my ovaries once again decided to catch on fire. Figuratively, not literally.

The faster i tried to walk in my platform flip flops, the more I twisted my ankles and delayed my return to my humble abode. It didn't help that it was 80 degrees out and Marley was protesting the heat by laying down in every patch of shade we came across. Eventually,we made it back to the house. By that time though, I was hunched over in pain and dying to unbutton my jeans and lay down.

After shoveling ice cubes down Marley's throat to prevent heat stroke, I sprawled out on the couch and tried to overcome the throbbing, horribleness that is womanhood. After about an hour of not being able to tolerate the pain, I decided I was going to do something that I hated. I made my way to the bathroom and riffled through the cabinet until I found my box of barely used Midol. I'm not a huge fan of taking medicine... it either doesn't work, or makes me feel super weird. Maybe I thought this time would be different.

The box said to take 2 pills. I took one and I mashed the other one up into a million pieces and poured it into a glass of Tang. Classy is the only way I know how to do things. What happened next will go down in the books as evidence of what OTC medication does to me.

I sat down on the couch and put my feet up. I turned on Role Models on FX because that movie is awesome. I remember the first 30seconds, and then the next thing I know I'm in a dream. I was climbing a rock wall with my mom and my dad as we were discussing how I just owned everyone in some sort of snow sport contest. Then in my dream I fainted from extreme thirst. Awesome.

Out of no where I launched off the couch in panic,and with horrible cotton mouth. I didn't care what it was, I just needed a fucking drink. I looked at the clock and noticed it was almost 2 hours later and the movie was almost over... then I stood up with the intention of sprinting to the kitchen and chugging an entire gallon of milk, but instead my legs were jelly and the room started spinning like Nancy Kerrigan. Down i went... pretty hard, too. It took me a few minutes before the room stopped spinning, and my thirst died down... but i continued to lay on the floor. The wood floor was cool and felt awesome on my back.

Eventually I stood up and got a drink, and then made my way back to the couch and that when I realized... my ovaries didn't hurt anymore. My lady parts were painless and I felt relaxed. Fuck yeah!

Anyway, that's probably the last time I'll ever take that shit, but if you want to panic and then bust your ass then go right ahead!