Extreme Makeover: Blog Edition

As much as I loved the way my blog looked... I didn't want it to look like a blog. It started to be crowded and bleh. Now it's... more professional?

This website will never be professional. Let's face it. I mean... my resume post had more 'fucks' than... well, everything. With that said, just because the content isn't professional, doesn't mean the layout couldn't be.

Sure, maybe I changed it because I accidentally clicked save and lost my entire previous template... but that doesn't matter. It's different now and I kinda dig it. That side bar thing on the left is pretty sick. If you click it you can change the way the page looks,and some of the options are wicked awesome. I just wish I could've kept my globe thingy. It was cool being able to see how many people were here, and where they were. I can still view my stats daily but it just isn't the same. *sniffs*

The only thing I'm not completely satisfied with yet are the colors. I'm open to suggestions so please, let me know what you think! I also would like some ideas for some new pages up top.

In the meantime, take a blast to the past and read up on some old posts. That one wasn't a suggestion... seriously. Go do it. Now.

Some More Things that SUCK.

For some reason when I can't think of something to write about, I come up with a million and one ideas about things that I don't like. That is when that magical thing happens where I compile those things into a magical list... of shit that sucks.

Thing that sucks number 1: Rick Santorum. This guy... where to friggin' start. Guy is a nut job. Where do we find these people, and why is he the leader of the republican presidential nominees? This guy obviously forgot the whole concept of separation of church and state, or he just never went to middle school. If he gets elected, I'm leaving the country and never coming back. What's up Amsterdam?

Thing that sucks number 2: That the rate at which food attaches itself to ones body rapidly increases with age. I just want to be able to eat whatever i want, whenever i want. That's it. I just want all my clothes to fit well, and look good, and I want the width of my hips to be proportionate with the width of my shoulders. I will never ever go on a diet. If I lose weight it will be because I worked it off, or because I got another stomach flu. By the way, it's going  around and it's shitty. Literally.

Thing that sucks number 3: Not knowing you have a paper cut until you stick your finger into a tub of nail polish remover. Rude, RUDE awakening. If you ever want to immobilize someone... anyone... slice them with some paper and throw some acetone at them. Instant horror.

I want this fucking hair right now.

Thing that sucks number 4: Jenna Marbles living in Cali. Now that she's 3 hours behind where she used to live,    her fucking videos don't get posted until night time. Having to wait allllll day to see them is torture. I need my fix early in the day, that way I have something to giggle about. (You know what I mean?)

Thing that sucks number 5: Getting between 300-800 unique page views a day, even when I don't write a new blog, but only having 18 people on Google friend connect. It's easy, folks. If you read my blog sometimes, and you have a google account, just click the fucking follow button. It won't spam you with emails or anything... you won't even see anything about my blog unless you visit the blogger homepage. (Blogger is owned by google, so you dont even have to signup you lazy assholes.)


Ummm... so that's all I could remember right now. here's some other random things i don't like/ don't like doing:

-not having a dishwasher.
-laundry
-letting the dog out in the rain
-having cereal but no milk
-havingmilk but no cereal
-having pasta and no sauce
-having sauce and no pasta
-seeing my poor toshiba sitting on the counter covered in a sheet of dust knowing i have a bunch of cool software i could be playing with if only the damn screen worked, and if marley hadn't chewed up my charger.
-having multiple types of foundation, but running out of your favorite one and having to wear the shittier one. (well... that doesnt apply to guys...)
-having two pairs of the same kind of jeans, in two different sizes, and the smaller pair is a little too tight and the larger pair falls down when you walk fast. (and there's no size in between)

So yeah, that's all she wrote. Click the damn follow button. Surrsly.

For the Readers, By the Readers: Part 2

So I covered memes on facebook and the great Asian food debate, but a I actually have a lot to say about Toaden Kay's blog request.

When Google+ came out I thought it was revolutionary. Some people still DO think that, but I have come to find a lot of things that i really don't like about it. Most importantly is this...

Out of the 332 people who have me in circles... I only know the 166 people who are in MY circles. I fucking HATE that people i don't know can add me to their shit. Yeah, who cares if I can make it so that they can't see my posts... I don't want random people adding me. Not only that, but even when I don't add them back, which I never do, G+ still puts their shit in my feed. WHY?! I don't want to read crappy news stories about someone I've never heard of! I Don't want a chance to win a free anything! I don't care that you are in love with the new Nikes! Fuck off!

The only way to make it so that I'm not their friend anymore is to block them. That's like having to block every stranger in the entire world. I don't want to block everyone I don't know. Shit is too much work. I just want to be able to say "No, weird European looking person, you cannot tell people you're friends with me."

I wouldn't mind so much if these people actually looked at the shit that I post on there. But they don't. They're using me for my "friendship". I'm just another face in a circle that they don't care about. On any day that I share a post on google+, I will MAYBE get 6 views from that post. On that same day, I could not even share a post on facebook, and I still get about 40 clicks per hour... just from facebook!

Yeah, sure... hangouts are fun, but seeing as my new laptop is broken, and i can't afford to fix it or replace it, I'm SOL. Maybe I'll come back if someone gets Jenna Marbles into a hangout so i can profess my girl-love for her... just maybe, though.

There are plenty of other things that I dislike about G+... I've thought about it all before... but in all honesty the main reason I gave up on it is that Facebook will never be trumped. All my pictures are there, all my friends are there, it's familiar and comfortable, and despite what anyone else says, I feel less safe with my information on Google+.

Bitch and moan all you guys want, but Facebook is here to stay. Google+ is/was a trend that I just can't get back into. I'm not sorry.

Pfffttt.

Hermoine knows.

For the Readers, By the Readers: Part 1

Well, I'm human (I know, it's surprising) so sometimes it takes a bit of help to be able to think of things to write about. I can't just write about anything... if i don't have some sort of knowledge about it then it's a lost cause and in turn, uninteresting to read.

I asked my friends on facebook for some ideas for a post and now I have a week's worth of solid ideas. Now all I have to do is get over being lazy, and write them all out and schedule them all for weird times throughout the next few days. Are you ready?

The first three ideas.

The first one I'm going to cover is 'memes on face book'. You might not get this if you aren't an avid Redditor, which I'm betting is a lot of you. I don't think I could get a whole post out of this but I do have a FEW things to say.

Fucking stop. You're not funny, and neither is your college's memes. No one gives a shit what you're actually doing, and no one wants to know Y U No haz GF. It's because you post annoying, shitty memes on facebook. Go post that shit on reddit, that way people who don't know you can tell you how much you suck at life and your "real life" friends don't have to do it.

*rage quit*


...Mmk, so anyways... Japanese food vs. Chinese food. Obvious differences... kind of. Usually i associate Japanese food as the healthier option because of edemame and sushi and shit but I don't know if that's completely accurate. Chinese food is delicious. japanese food is delicious. I love egg rolls. I hate sushi. I like fried rice... that's a common ground between the two, right? Umm... yeah so, I'm going to leave the rest to Dustin...

Oh... and one more...

Now I'm hungry.
Awesome.

Dogs are Fucking Weird.

I don't know why it took me this long to realize it, but dogs get away with doing the weirdest shit ever. What sparked me to write about this wasn't even the weirdest thing... I'm sitting here with my feet up watching Anthony Bourdain do whatever the fuck he does for absurd amounts of money, and I'm like "hey, my foot is suddenly damp and uncomfortable." I look down and Marley is full on making out with my big toe. Like, I have a thing where I hate when anything but my shoes touch my feet, so wetness is bad enough. The tongue is just the stale icing on the moldy cake.

Why is it ok for dogs to do this shit? If some random person just started slurping on my foot I would kick them in the face, and so would anyone else... but if it's my dog I can't do anything! I have to be all "Ohh sweet puppy, get your cute little purple tongue off my metatarsals before I throw up :) "

I let the furry bitch outside and the first thing she does is find the loosest pile of dirt available and lay in it. Maybe even dig around and roll... but ONLY if I just vacuumed the floor. What's the point of that shit? Do they like to be itchy and dirty and gross? *gag*

*I start vacuuming the living room*

Marley: (loosely translated) MOM! MOM! MOM! THAT BIG LOUD MONSTER IS GOING TO KILL US ALL! ATTACK! ATTACK! *I vacuum closer to her* Oh shit oh shit oh shit! *runs away yelping into the backyard* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THIS GIANT MONSTER IS WRESTLING MY MOM AND IT MIGHT BE WINNING! HELP! HELP! HELP! Ohh...dirt... *rolls in dirt, runs back inside*

Dogs are the biggest populations of trolls. Ever. Anywhere.

And they destroy all the things.

I can't even classify some of the other weird shit.

After I take a shower, Marley wrestles my towel away from me, brings it into the corner of the room,and rolls on it until I wrestle it back from her.

She steals socks and tries to eat them as if they're a delicacy.

She thinks that it's perfectly normal to poop, and play tug-o-war at the same time.

If your feet are wiggling, they are fair game.

If it doesn't have slobber on it, then your should be worried that she has something more sinister planned for it.

...I wish I were a dog. =0\

My [honest] Resume.

Alright, I get it... the economy sucks, no jobs blah blah. I think the problem is that all these people doing the hiring... are hiring the wrong fucking people. If you hire the wrong people, your business is going to go down the tubes.

Yeah, I said it. These shithead and ass bag bosses (don't take it personal, you know one or two yourself) automatically pick the person that they think will be perfect for the job without even meeting every applicant. Yeah, I understand that it can be a long process, but fucking think about it... if you suffer through that long process once, maybe you will get the absolute right employee for your needs. Then instead of having to hire someone every few months, you're set for a few years! Sounds sweet right? Too bad people are friggin' idiots and haven't realized this yet.

Do you want a real life example of how this could work out? Ok good, because i have one prepared...MYSELF. I'm not an idiot, i actually work hard when I have a job to do... oh yeah,and I'm not an idiot. It's just a shame that you can't write that sort of thing on a resume. But why is that? They tell you to be completely honest in your resume but I feel like if I were,no employer would ever think twice about me. Well... maybe they should. They should read my honest resume and appreciate it for what it would be... a breath of fresh air.

Are you ready for some fresh air then? Good...

My Resume:

Name: Lauren Matero
Age: Technically, you're not allowed to ask, so why should I tell?
Address: Shouldn't matter, I don't need a ride.
Phone Number: Only if you hire me.

Education: I'm educated. Trust me. In fact, I'm probably smarter than 99% of your employees already. I'm not being cocky, I'm being honest. I mean, how many of your employees have the impeccable spelling and punctuation skills that I posses? ...Exactly.

Work Experience and Skills: I've worked before... in a few places. I can sell shit. I can bring people shit on plates. I can make people want to buy more shit that they don't really need. I know how to pickup boxes and climb ladders. I can use basic tools, and some power tools with supervision. I can cook the shit out of some mac & cheese. Oh, and brownies too. I have extensive knowledge of computers, and phones and shit... I mean, I'm a girl after all.  I know a lot about food and sports and shoes and I can file the shit out of... well, your files. I'm good with animals, and I'm good with people. Actually, people fucking love me for some reason... I've been told that I have a very inviting personality, whatever that means. I guess that also means that I'm a phenomenal actor.

References: I could list a few people and call them "professional references" but they would actually be family members and friends whom I trust to make me sound like an angel... so instead I will be honest, again. Yeah, I've worked at a few places with a few people, but I didn't really like any of them, other wise they would be listed here. Every boss I have ever had... has been a shit show. Lazy, power tripping douche bags who think that because their name tag has an extra syllable that they can boss the shit out of everyone. Sure, they were my "bosses" but they lacked common sense, the ability to show respect, and then some. You can call them all for yourselves, but I think that by the tone of my resume so far, you can probably tell that I wouldn't lie about that sort of thing. Cool? Cool.

Closing Statement: Sure you can hire the bitch in the tight skirt, or that dweeb that has six degrees from an Ivy League school... but neither one of those people would be as good as me. I'm the best fucking employee you will ever have. Why? Because I'm motivated as fuck!  I will staple shit for days and not say a word as long as my checks keep coming. I'll answer the phone and tell your wife that you're in an important meeting when really, I'm the one who cleans your desk and I know all about your weird fetish websites. I can keep a god damn secret! By now you're probably wary of my language and that's totally understandable... but chillax! This is my fucking resume, and it's not like the customers are going to read it and be all "I ain't buying no chicken florentine from 'dis bitch!" I can turn off the sailor vocabulary in the workplace and be that quiet, proper girl who does what she's told. Just don't fuck me over. Because then I'll return the favor. (Just sayin') Anyway, when you're finished reading, which is in about... one more sentence, you can go ahead and tell me when I start.  Thanks for reading, folks.


I am the motha' fuggin'...dream employee. For real.

I'm the MAYOR...bitch.

I never really understood why people used Foursquare. I didn't realize that it wasn't just a way to stalk people... and that it's actually a legit game. Like, a game with points and shit. Bitches know i love games with points.

So i started playing Foursquare about mid-january... no biggie, just checked in to the places i went to most often. Then I noticed these sweet crown looking things next to all my friend's names... and I wanted one. Bitches love crowns. Apparently these crowns mean you're the mayor of that specific location. Since when do mayors get crowns? If I knew that I'd have run for mayor a looong fuckin' time ago.

Little while goes by and I'm the mayor of my house. It's cool, whatever, it's where I live so it's a giveaway. I didn't know how much work it would take to become the mayor of anywhere else so i figured I'd just settle with being the mayor of myself... I still got a crown.

And then it happened...

I pull up to the dog park and as I'm parking, Marley and Rusty were in the back seat going ape shit because I was yelling "WE'RE AT THE PARK MAR! THE PARK! WEEE!" (it's to get the bitches excited)

I get the pooches out of the back seat, get them into the gate, hang up their leashes and off they pranced to go sniff some ass. I took out my phone and figured, ehh what the hell, why not check into the park again, maybe see who else is here. Then it happened...

"You have ousted Larry G. as Mayor of Bicentennial Dog Park."

o.0 ...

YES!!!


I really had to contain myself. I wanted to jump up and down like a nut job... instead, i calmly put my phone back in my pocket and started walking across the park to go socialize with the other non-canines.

The walk today was different... usually I'm clumsy and tripping through the loose sandy dirt but not today. My head was held high. I felt nine feet tall. My walk was more of a strut today...

I glided across the torn up grass like an Olympic ice dancer.

I didn't just walk past the piles of poop... I proudly pranced past with my chest out. That's MY shit. This is MY shitty sod covered field. All MINE!

I felt like I was the owner of the world. I stood at the top of the hill and watched the dogs barrel past each other and all I could do was stand there proudly with my arms crossed over my chest and nod in approval. Mere mortals would approach me and ask, "Is that your dog over there digging that hole?"

You bet your ass that's my dog.

She's digging the hole for the pool i'm having installed...

If you were a Mayor, you would understand.

...Silly bitches.




(and THAT is why people play Foursquare.)

I'm A Friggin' Genius... Seriously.

Guys... I'm just going to give you a minute to get down on your knees and bow down to my awesomeness because I, Lauren, have come up with the greatest idea of all time.

Well... for the guys anyway.

Here's the background info... the stuff you boys don't really need to care too much about, just do everything I say and you're set.

Step One: You should probably work at, manage or own a bar or a restaurant that has TVs or a projection screen... if you don't, then get on that. (or find a friend who DOES.)

Step Two: When the new Twilight movie comes out on blu-ray on March 11th, go out and buy every movie in the series so far. Don't ask questions, just do it.

Step Three: At previously mentioned bar or restaurant, try to organize a "viewing party" with an open invitation to every female over the age of 18 (or 21 if this is a bar).

Step Four: Show up to the viewing party halfway through the final movie. (The girls won't notice that you weren't there in the beginning, trust me...)

Step Five: Once the movies are all over, these girls will be the horniest fucking chicks in all of whatever shit hole town you live in. Like... if you are a pale, aloof guy who doesn't sleep much, and are shy about eating in company then there is no reason that you should not do this and be able to bring home any girl you want with minimal effort on your part. If your name is Edward, Jacob, or Dracula, you're in for the fucking win.

How is this not the greatest idea of all time? Give me one good reason why this wouldn't work... for real, give me reasons because I can't think of any. The best part is that i'm giving this idea to you guys for FREE. And I'm a girl! I'm pretty much telling you, hey chicks will put out if you "watch" Twilight with them.

You're friggin' welcome.