Jenna Marbles Sex Tape

It baffles my mind that thousands of people just decided to start googling "Jenna Marbles sex Tape" not SECONDS after she posted on her twitter that that video isn't her. Just goes to show that many of her fans want nothing but to see this girl on her knees in front of them...

But not me... no sir! I am a true loyal fan and I am going to just reiterate everything she has already said, for those of you who don't know how to listen the first time.

If you google "jenna marbles naked" you will not find her naked. You will find my blog talking about how you will not find her naked. Only Max will find her naked.

If you google "jenna marbles sex tape" you will not find a jenna marbles sex tape... you will find my blog talking about how she doesn't have a sex tape. You will also probably find the post on Barstool about how this one video of a chick giving a bj looks like her... alas, it IS NOT HER.

If you google "jenna marbles ass" you may very well find a few awesome pictures of her ass, but you will also find my blog, telling you to facebook her because you can find plenty of ass there.

I hope that eventually everyone who googles her, looking to find her performing an unspeakable act, will find this post and realize that they are not alone. I'm willing to start a support group... for those who want nothing more than to see something that they will ultimately never get to see ever in a trillion billion unicorn years. (unicorn years are longer than people years...)

So anyways, shame on you naughty googlers! And if you're just looking for the original porn video, i'm about 99% sure it's not labeled "jenna marbles sex tape" so try something else please... bleh.

I don't always eat Fast Food, but when I do...

I don't know what fuckin' clicked in the minds of the fast food moguls of the world, but something has gone horribly right.  A couple months ago you couldn't pay me to eat at burger king, and I'd laugh in your face if you tried to get me to eat something on the regular priced menu at wendy's because let's face it... nothing was quite up to par.

But now... now is a whole different story. A couple days ago I had a late night craving for some meaty deliciousness. Get your minds out of the gutter, assholes. I'm talking a nice juicy burger. Pulling up the the drive thru at wendy's, I notice that my usual go-to double stack is no longer listed...that's when panic set in. You don't just fucking gamble on any old sandwich at wendy's. They have crazy shit there with weird crumbly cheeses that make me gag at the though of them...and then I saw it. The sign was black, and appropriately enough it was called "The black label burger." Bacon Portabella Burger (I hate when they spell portabello with an 'a'). I knew that was what I wanted... I have an undying love for mushrooms on my burger, and bacon-- well, that's a given.

I could tell I would be satisfied when I opened its box and there it lay, wrapped in deli paper. The first bite was foodgasmic... I'm not even kidding! I literally let out a sigh of relief, as my faith in fast food had been restored. I knew I had developed a new relationship with innovative burger creations.

I ate that burger in about 3 minutes, and it was friggin' fantastic. Not one regret. I even licked the sauce off my fingers... and I don't like condiments. From that point I was left wanting to try more, but I had to wait until a later date.

The opportunity struck again last night. Another craving in the wee-hours of the evening lead me to another fast food establishment, however it was my least favorite of the bunch... Burger King.  Last year at one point I had eaten at this same location and got tremendously ill from an under-cooked "Buck double." I swore to myself, never again would I eat from this sorry excuse for a burger "kingdom". Until last night...

As with what happened at wendy's, I knew from the moment I saw the sign, what i was going to order... The Western BBQ BK Topper. A burger adorned with crispy fried onions rings and barbecue sauce straight from the heavens.

Upon unwrapping this little delight, I noticed how thick and authentic the patty looked as compared to previous burger products offered by BK. The first bite, again, fantastic. It tasted as if I was eating a bbq rib sandwich fresh off the grill... and the onion rings were actually hot, which is a rarity in my burger king experiences. Don't even get me started on the new fries...

Outsides like golden chutes of joy and the insides were fluffy wonderful mashed potato-y goodness. Not as flavorful as my number1, McD's, but a worthy opponent.

I'm happy to say that i think fast food is approaching a new beginning... gourmet creations, healthy options and HOT food. Hold on, i'm not a fucking critic, so don't be all "Ohh Lauren said this shit was the bomb, why the fuck does my french fry not taste like heaven?" because then we might have some problems...

I just wanted to let everyone know that I had some wicked delicious burgers this week... oh, and that you can also make a bomb-ass mac & cheese pizza for under $4. Just sayin'.

I'm Touching Myself...

Phone Sex.

Sexting.

Honestly, this must be a guy thing... talking with a good friend of mine tonight about some of the crazy things people do when they're... well... in the mood, I realized that guys never understood that girls really arent into this shit. Well...maybe some are, and if they are they're fucking retarded, but I know that I think it's dumb.

You see it in movies all the time, the guy calls up and is all "What are you wearing?" And the dumb skank is like "Ohh lace and thats about it, wee!"

Well,sorry guys but i've decided to act out what ACTUAL phone sex and sexting conversations are like.

*Phone rings*

Girl: Hello?
Guy: Hey baby, it's me.

Girl: Oh, hey you... *regrets not screening call*
Guy: Hey so... what are you doing right now?
Girl: Ohh nothing, just getting ready to go to bed *hopes he gets the hint*
Guy: *takes off pants*

Guy: Bed, huh? What are you wearing?
Girl: Hmm what do you think I'm wearing? *looks down at footie pajamas*
Guy: I bet you sleep naked... am I right? *eyes widen*

Girl: Ah! You caught me! *rolls eyes*
Guy: That's so hot... I'm touching myself. *touches himself*
Girl: Oh yeah, and I'm touching myself too... *snarfs another handful of fritos*

I think you get the point... I guess guys have selective imaginations. They must also be gullible as shit to believe that a girl also enjoys sexting... I am not a sexter... never have nor will I ever "sext" because 1) i'm not 14, and 2) I have common sense. I have,however been at the receiving end of a female who was being sexted and wanted to tell everyone how pathetic it was... so here's my interpretation.

Guy: hey girl sup?
Girl: hey
Guy: wut r u up 2?
Girl: nm just going 2 bed

Guy: *sends dick pic*
Girl: *forwards to phone book*
Guy: ... u like tht?
Girl: ohh yea thts hott. *never opened picture*

Guy: im touching myself
Girl: *screen shots and posts on facebook* thts hott
Guy: *keeps touching himself*

Guy: *20 minutes later* did u njoy tht?
Girl: yea tht was hott *makes some more toast*



I have nothing else to say... I just hope this helps you gentlemen folk out there realize that the whole phone sex/sexting deal is kind of one-sided... sorry bros.


Oh and by the way...


I'm touching myself... *picks wedgie*

Casey Anthony has Us by THE BALLS.

BREAKING NEWS!!! Casey Anthony has every form of media by the balls! Are you surprised? I'm not...

Casey Anthony Porn?

If i were infamous for getting away with murder and my fifteen minutes of fame came and went, I would be throwing random shitty video diaries out there too. (oh wait, i DO do that... ha)

In case you haven't seen it yet, Casey Anthony recorded a video diary, aka a vlog, on October 13th that has recently surfaced and gone viral. No surprise, new stations and gossip sites jumped on the video to get this bitch even more publicity... really guys? She has you by the balls and you dont even realize it.

The best part about all of this is that the video sucks... this chick is boring as hell, and now she's boring with a dog. Sure, she has cute new hair now, i'll give her that but she really needs to work on her entertainment value. She mentioned she wasn't good in front of a camera... well fucking duh. Because the last time you were in front of a camera you looked like ass and you were in jail, sooo...

By "leaking" this boring video diary and putting herself back out there, she's just making more of a stupid name for herself. I realize that i'm putting her out there even more myself, but i'm trying to prove a point... this is what she wants. She wants to be the top trending google search and twitter topic. She probably googled herself 19,000 times a day which is why Josh's "Casey Anthony Nude?" post has been getting so many hits.

Just you wait, next week we will have a Casey Anthony sex tape, and then a Casey Anthony skit show... this crazy chick will never stop if you all keep fueling her need to be in the spotlight. (That's why i'm not posting the link to the video... girl doesn't need anymore hits.)

Next blog post: Screen caps of all the people who found my blog by googling Casey Anthony Nude, Casey Anthony Naked, Casey Anthony Sex Tape, and Casey Anthony takes over the WORLD.

Mass Procrastination

Well holy shit, folks! It's alive!
Where the hell have I been? Oh, that's right-- I was trying to have a little bit of a life for the last couple weeks of 2011. Did I succeed? Meh-- who cares, the isn't my personal blog.
Back to the good stuff...

Wrong year but I have a weird Ke$ha complex sooo....

When you are young you get caught up in the holidays like it's the only thing in life that matters... well, because it is. (Think about it, santa is the top dog when you're a kiddo) When you grow up, you take a step back and you think, wait why the fuck do we do this?

I'm not talking about Christmas, I get that whole thing with the family awesomeness and all, but I'm talking about New Years. When you're a kid, new years eve and new years day are awesome. Why? Because there's no school no matter what day it falls on. It's the bonus on the end of a sweet winter vacation from school. But we aren't little friggin' kids anymore.

Ok, i guess my point is... why is New Years Day a holiday... for adults? On new years eve we're all "yay! new beginnings! new life! fun! motivation! woooo!" And then the next day it's like, "Eh, let's start off this new bout of motivation with a day off."

What the fuck? Procrastination to the max, much? The entire adult population randomly decided that the first day of the new year was for hangover recovery and movie watching? Way to start it off right, slackers. The best part of all of this is that every single person who was partying in Times Square, blowing paychecks and poppin' bottles... is part of the 99%.  Umm, excuse me... but you have the nerve to bitch and moan, then go out and blow your money on booze that you're just going to throw up anyway, and THEN take the next day off? No, fuck you. That doesn't fly with me... if I was you parents I would smack you with your community college diploma and tell you to suck it up.

Here is a better idea... January 1st should hear by be known as Work Day. No matter if you're employed or not, on the first of the year you get off your ass and you work for 8 hours straight. I really don't care what you do, or if anyone pays you... just start off the year right. Mainly, I'm just being selfish, because I wanted to go certain places on New years day and they were closed because they were all a bunch of lazy jerks... but I feel like if everyone started practicing this then the year would start off way better for everyone. Getting something done is wayyy more motivating than sitting on the couch watching bad movies.

...Even though I didn't even post on here, nor do anything on the first day of the year, I don't think it matters because i at least THOUGHT about doing something. So pfffttt.