My Superficial Christmas List

Did you know that close to 80% of atheists celebrate Christmas?  Do you know why? Because it's fucking fun. Don't rain on my parade.

This is the first year in a really long time that I can actually afford to shower my loved ones with gifts, and on the flip side I have no friggin' idea what I want/need. I've decided to just have some fun with this shit and just make up a list of things that I wouldn't mind getting for Christmas, though I know it's either impossible or highly unlikely that I will ever receive them. Why not bring back my short hiatus with a list? Bitches love lists.

1) Front page fame on Reddit. My pets are cute as hell, I just don't have time to follow them around with my camera waiting for them to sprout thumbs and start making me pancakes. For once I want post-worthy material to just fall into my lap and then BOOM! instant karma.


2) Jessica Biel's butt. Hell, chop mine off and staple it right on there. Better yet, can I just get a body transplant? I feel like I should just skip all this hard work at the gym and dish out the dough to have this wonderfulness supporting the weight of my skull. That can happen right?


3) My dream car of the moment, the Scion FR-S. This car is like an instant lady boner. I don't think I can say much else because every time I think about a reason why someone WOULDN'T want this car, I just end up day dreaming about how much fun it would be. (And about how beautiful it is...)

4) A month long vacation to somewhere more tropical than Florida. Sure, it's warmer than the rest of the country during the winter, but if there is nascar and football, you're not far away enough from home. Send me to Fiji!


5) A year long tan. In the winter I start looking like Wednesday Adams, and I won't deny it. Ghostly pale isn't a good look for me, but who has time to go to the beach everyday? Also, don't even say it because there is NO WAY in hell that I will lay down in a cancer box. Spray tan maybe, but I'd rather just have naturally tan sparkly skin.


6) A house on the moon complete with floors made out of trampolines. One bounce and you have endless fun. Seriously... fucking endless. I'd also need a really really good router because there's no way I could ever survive on the moon alone without the internet.


7) Bill Nye's brain. I'm not going to lie, I'm as brilliant as they come, but the science guy practically invented the word. Maybe it'd be less morbid if I let him keep his brain and just kept him as a personal fact checker. Yeah-- maybe that.

8) Mitt Romney's binders full of women. There are just always these times where I'm like, "Hey, I need a bitch who wouldn't mind giving up her rights," and if I had these infamous binders, I would never run into that problem again! I'd also have an endless supply of unsuspecting chicks to hook my friends up with. You're welcome dudes.


9) My own advice blog with my biffle. Oh wait! That's already happening! You heard it here first folks...