Thursday, March 1, 2012
The Midol Milkshake
Like every other day that comes around once a month, today started with me walking my dog around the block and having to turn around half way because my ovaries once again decided to catch on fire. Figuratively, not literally.
The faster i tried to walk in my platform flip flops, the more I twisted my ankles and delayed my return to my humble abode. It didn't help that it was 80 degrees out and Marley was protesting the heat by laying down in every patch of shade we came across. Eventually,we made it back to the house. By that time though, I was hunched over in pain and dying to unbutton my jeans and lay down.
After shoveling ice cubes down Marley's throat to prevent heat stroke, I sprawled out on the couch and tried to overcome the throbbing, horribleness that is womanhood. After about an hour of not being able to tolerate the pain, I decided I was going to do something that I hated. I made my way to the bathroom and riffled through the cabinet until I found my box of barely used Midol. I'm not a huge fan of taking medicine... it either doesn't work, or makes me feel super weird. Maybe I thought this time would be different.
The box said to take 2 pills. I took one and I mashed the other one up into a million pieces and poured it into a glass of Tang. Classy is the only way I know how to do things. What happened next will go down in the books as evidence of what OTC medication does to me.
I sat down on the couch and put my feet up. I turned on Role Models on FX because that movie is awesome. I remember the first 30seconds, and then the next thing I know I'm in a dream. I was climbing a rock wall with my mom and my dad as we were discussing how I just owned everyone in some sort of snow sport contest. Then in my dream I fainted from extreme thirst. Awesome.
Out of no where I launched off the couch in panic,and with horrible cotton mouth. I didn't care what it was, I just needed a fucking drink. I looked at the clock and noticed it was almost 2 hours later and the movie was almost over... then I stood up with the intention of sprinting to the kitchen and chugging an entire gallon of milk, but instead my legs were jelly and the room started spinning like Nancy Kerrigan. Down i went... pretty hard, too. It took me a few minutes before the room stopped spinning, and my thirst died down... but i continued to lay on the floor. The wood floor was cool and felt awesome on my back.
Eventually I stood up and got a drink, and then made my way back to the couch and that when I realized... my ovaries didn't hurt anymore. My lady parts were painless and I felt relaxed. Fuck yeah!
Anyway, that's probably the last time I'll ever take that shit, but if you want to panic and then bust your ass then go right ahead!