Saturday, February 11, 2012
My [honest] Resume.
Alright, I get it... the economy sucks, no jobs blah blah. I think the problem is that all these people doing the hiring... are hiring the wrong fucking people. If you hire the wrong people, your business is going to go down the tubes.
Yeah, I said it. These shithead and ass bag bosses (don't take it personal, you know one or two yourself) automatically pick the person that they think will be perfect for the job without even meeting every applicant. Yeah, I understand that it can be a long process, but fucking think about it... if you suffer through that long process once, maybe you will get the absolute right employee for your needs. Then instead of having to hire someone every few months, you're set for a few years! Sounds sweet right? Too bad people are friggin' idiots and haven't realized this yet.
Do you want a real life example of how this could work out? Ok good, because i have one prepared...MYSELF. I'm not an idiot, i actually work hard when I have a job to do... oh yeah,and I'm not an idiot. It's just a shame that you can't write that sort of thing on a resume. But why is that? They tell you to be completely honest in your resume but I feel like if I were,no employer would ever think twice about me. Well... maybe they should. They should read my honest resume and appreciate it for what it would be... a breath of fresh air.
Are you ready for some fresh air then? Good...
Name: Lauren Matero
Age: Technically, you're not allowed to ask, so why should I tell?
Address: Shouldn't matter, I don't need a ride.
Phone Number: Only if you hire me.
Education: I'm educated. Trust me. In fact, I'm probably smarter than 99% of your employees already. I'm not being cocky, I'm being honest. I mean, how many of your employees have the impeccable spelling and punctuation skills that I posses? ...Exactly.
Work Experience and Skills: I've worked before... in a few places. I can sell shit. I can bring people shit on plates. I can make people want to buy more shit that they don't really need. I know how to pickup boxes and climb ladders. I can use basic tools, and some power tools with supervision. I can cook the shit out of some mac & cheese. Oh, and brownies too. I have extensive knowledge of computers, and phones and shit... I mean, I'm a girl after all. I know a lot about food and sports and shoes and I can file the shit out of... well, your files. I'm good with animals, and I'm good with people. Actually, people fucking love me for some reason... I've been told that I have a very inviting personality, whatever that means. I guess that also means that I'm a phenomenal actor.
References: I could list a few people and call them "professional references" but they would actually be family members and friends whom I trust to make me sound like an angel... so instead I will be honest, again. Yeah, I've worked at a few places with a few people, but I didn't really like any of them, other wise they would be listed here. Every boss I have ever had... has been a shit show. Lazy, power tripping douche bags who think that because their name tag has an extra syllable that they can boss the shit out of everyone. Sure, they were my "bosses" but they lacked common sense, the ability to show respect, and then some. You can call them all for yourselves, but I think that by the tone of my resume so far, you can probably tell that I wouldn't lie about that sort of thing. Cool? Cool.
Closing Statement: Sure you can hire the bitch in the tight skirt, or that dweeb that has six degrees from an Ivy League school... but neither one of those people would be as good as me. I'm the best fucking employee you will ever have. Why? Because I'm motivated as fuck! I will staple shit for days and not say a word as long as my checks keep coming. I'll answer the phone and tell your wife that you're in an important meeting when really, I'm the one who cleans your desk and I know all about your weird fetish websites. I can keep a god damn secret! By now you're probably wary of my language and that's totally understandable... but chillax! This is my fucking resume, and it's not like the customers are going to read it and be all "I ain't buying no chicken florentine from 'dis bitch!" I can turn off the sailor vocabulary in the workplace and be that quiet, proper girl who does what she's told. Just don't fuck me over. Because then I'll return the favor. (Just sayin') Anyway, when you're finished reading, which is in about... one more sentence, you can go ahead and tell me when I start. Thanks for reading, folks.
I am the motha' fuggin'...dream employee. For real.