Dogs are Fucking Weird.

I don't know why it took me this long to realize it, but dogs get away with doing the weirdest shit ever. What sparked me to write about this wasn't even the weirdest thing... I'm sitting here with my feet up watching Anthony Bourdain do whatever the fuck he does for absurd amounts of money, and I'm like "hey, my foot is suddenly damp and uncomfortable." I look down and Marley is full on making out with my big toe. Like, I have a thing where I hate when anything but my shoes touch my feet, so wetness is bad enough. The tongue is just the stale icing on the moldy cake.

Why is it ok for dogs to do this shit? If some random person just started slurping on my foot I would kick them in the face, and so would anyone else... but if it's my dog I can't do anything! I have to be all "Ohh sweet puppy, get your cute little purple tongue off my metatarsals before I throw up :) "

I let the furry bitch outside and the first thing she does is find the loosest pile of dirt available and lay in it. Maybe even dig around and roll... but ONLY if I just vacuumed the floor. What's the point of that shit? Do they like to be itchy and dirty and gross? *gag*

*I start vacuuming the living room*

Marley: (loosely translated) MOM! MOM! MOM! THAT BIG LOUD MONSTER IS GOING TO KILL US ALL! ATTACK! ATTACK! *I vacuum closer to her* Oh shit oh shit oh shit! *runs away yelping into the backyard* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THIS GIANT MONSTER IS WRESTLING MY MOM AND IT MIGHT BE WINNING! HELP! HELP! HELP! Ohh...dirt... *rolls in dirt, runs back inside*

Dogs are the biggest populations of trolls. Ever. Anywhere.

And they destroy all the things.

I can't even classify some of the other weird shit.

After I take a shower, Marley wrestles my towel away from me, brings it into the corner of the room,and rolls on it until I wrestle it back from her.

She steals socks and tries to eat them as if they're a delicacy.

She thinks that it's perfectly normal to poop, and play tug-o-war at the same time.

If your feet are wiggling, they are fair game.

If it doesn't have slobber on it, then your should be worried that she has something more sinister planned for it.

...I wish I were a dog. =0\