Today We Ruin All the Things.

Cone of Shame.

All of the things are broken today.
My laptop? Fried, cracked, and flashing. It might be buzzing a little too.
But that's only the beginning of the story... it would be bad enough if it ended there, but it gets even worse...
So I now present you with...

T'was The Night Before Monday. 

T'was the night before Monday

When all through our home

Little Marley was barking

Because she wanted a bone.

Rusty Man was hiding

Behind the bathroom door

As Marley ran rampant

And got mud on the floor.

As the chaos subsided

and we all settled down

Ryan stood up 

and started sniffing around.

"Something smells like shit!"

He said to me

And we looked all around

Wondering what it could be.

I sniffed the dog and said

"Well, she doesn't smell!"

And then I looked at the couch

and said "wait, what the hell?"

There laid a puddle

As wet as can be

And wouldn't you guess,

It was a puddle of pee!

YOU F$*&%@# M^%*&##@@!!!!!

The End.

...and that's the story of how Marley peed on the brand new couch because she was mad that we were giving Rusty a treat before we gave her one.

Your Shit DOES Stink.

I do a lot of posts about things that I like/love so i'm going to spread the love. Well, I lied. I'm going to spread the loathe. There are a few things out there that some people like, some people love, but I just can't stand. These might come as a shock to some of you, and they might cause you to become outraged, and in that event, please do share your opinions to I can poke fun of you in future posts. <3

1.) Jelly Beans. For one, they aren't beans and they aren't jelly, so what the fuck? They also have some of the worst candy flavors ever invented. Sure, I can nibble on some Starburst jelly beans if there's no other sugary snack available to me, but i won't be happy about it. At all. Don't even get me started on Jelly Belly... those assholes have the nerve to bring the vomit flavored jelly beans from Harry Potter to life. Umm, excuse me but those movies are fictional for a reason. Some things just shouldn't actually exist.

2.) Ice Pops. Mainly fruity ones... I can deal with the real fruit pops and the fudgecicles because duh, chocolate, but blehhh i hate flavored ice. It might be the fact that the taste reminds me of cold medicine or just food coloring, or that those stupid plastic sleeves have sharp edges. Sharp edges don't belong in or near my mouth. When I see someone slurping one of these down I can almost taste that nasty watery syrup at the bottom... yuck.

 

3.) Tile Showers. This is an unfortunate one, because the shower in my house is indeed tile. I mean, I prefer showers over baths any day of the week, but something about standing on tile and grout while in the shower grosses me out. All I ask for is a nice smooth fiberglass shower that doesn't get all icky in the corners after 2 years. Now, this problem was easily solvable with shower sandals, and I had been using them up until I went up to NY for a week recently. I came home to find that our puppy went ahead and ate one of my sandals. Friggin' sweet, right? Now my showers are full of anxiety and germaphobia.

4.) Skinny Jeans. I mean it's obvious that these were invented for justin beiber, and lesbians who look like justin beiber, but when I go to a store and all there are, are skin tight straight leg jeans... I kind of don't have a choice, right? I mean... I'm an actual human. I have hips, and a butt, and they certainly don't fit in skinny jeans... pajama jeans maybe, but seriously? Fuck that...

5.) One-ply Toilet Paper. Why does this even exist? Nobody wants to get shit on their hands... literally. Also, nobody wants to wipe their asses with cardboard. I want to be that cute little bear, or that snuggly puppy with the fluffy soft, awesome toilet paper. The End, no debate... get that crap out of here. Pun intended.


Alright folks, until next time-- there's a new post on my personal blog, which you can find by clicking that lovely little icon towards the top right of the screen. Got more shit that stinks? Let me know!