She's too... for you bro!

Alright folks I reached out to the masses this morning to try and get some of YOU to help with the making of a post. I figured, get people involved and interested to see the final result... fun times, fun times.

The theme? If you've watched Jersey Shore at all this season, you've seen those crazy gorilla juice heads go on and on about knowing when a girl is too young for you. Well, I decided to expand that notion a little bit by asking a more broad version of that question...

"If a girl ______, then she's too ______ for you bro!"

That could be anything, too fat for you bro, too young, too old, too orange, too bitchy... you name it, it works. I posted that question on twitter and facebook to see what I could gather, and as well as on a Make-Up forum that I frequent (those bitches are hilarious) (I mean that in the best way)

Anyway, here is all that I came up with, of course with the help of all you sparkley gumdrop pandas...

If she still argues with people on Facebook or does gang signs and the middle finger in all her pics, she's too young for you bro.

If she's seen Home Alone 3, but not Home Alone 1 and 2, she's too young for you bro.

If she think getting wet means running through the sprinklers, she's too young for you bro.

If her walker gets in the way when you're doing it in the shower, she's too old for you bro!

If her toothpaste is bubblegum flavored, she's too young for you bro.

If she's wearing a silly band, she's too young for you bro.

If the only cycle she's on has 3 wheels, she's too young for you bro!

If her sneakers still light up, she's too young for you bro.

iF sHe TeXtS LyKe tHiS, she's too young for you bro!

If her favorite drink comes in a pouch with a little yellow straw, she's too young for you bro.

If she takes her walk of shame on a big wheel, she's too young for you bro.

If she thinks NES is the loch ness monster, she's too young for you bro.

If her age is on the clock, she's too young for you bro.

If she never had a MySpace, she's too young for you bro!

If it's your job to drive her to school in your big yellow vehicle, she's too young for you bro.

Well, though all submissions were pretty good, I want more variety... like more "too olds" maybe some "too fats" you know the deal. In either case, there's a bowl of fruity pebbles with my name on it... ciao bella.

The Slut Face, No Face Like It, Can't Be Duplicated, The Slut Face

You know how you see some people outside and they just look absolutely dirty/filthy to you but they are really clean. Well some girls have the unfortunate luck of having the Slut Face. Some girls may have been born with it and some other may have developed as they have gotten older. I hate seeing girls that have the Slut Face, for some reason it always gives me the chills or just makes me shake my head. These girls have that certain look to them that you can tell that they probably suck way too much dick in her life. I hope that those who are reading this right now, know exactly what I am talking about, like I don't have sounding like an asshole but I don't want to sound like a fool talking about girls and their Slut Faces if no one knows what the hell is going on?

I'm actually bringing this up cus I was at the bar last night and the broad that was sitting 2 seats next to me had the illest Slut Face I had ever seen! I wanted to try and snap a picture of her so I could throw it up here and you lovely readers could see what I kept taking peeks at. However I wasn't able to snap that picture so I have to go with plan B and show you the only other Slut Face that comes close to bar broad Slut Face.

Audrina Patridge....her face just always seems to have Slut written Slut Face from dimple cheek to dimple cheek. Look her at her shifty sneaky eyes, it's like her eyes are saying(I'll fuck your bf and sext him while you rest your head on his chest)that is brutal. That smile is straight dangerous, not knowing where those lips have been and who they been on. Tell me I am 100% right on this? Does Audrina have a Slut Face? If I am wrong I promise to stop blogging forever and take my clever quips far away. What's the verdict?

Casey Anthony Nude!? Well Kinda, Sorta, Eh, Close Enough?

iheartchaos - "Despite the fact that it’s only a matter of time before Casey Anthony gets naked in front of a camera, a guy on eBay is selling his very own one-of-a-kind original Casey Anthony nude painting. Right now there’s only one bid at $2.99, so this amazing piece of contemporary criminal history could be hanging over your mantle for about the price of a large roll of duct tape."
Exactly what I imagined this freaky monster would look like naked. Hair all neat, busting out the smirk, nice boobs, and shaved on the bottom. Didn't this broad get offer to do some kind of porno but she turned it down? She killed her daughter and she has portraits painted of her, porno offers for thousands of dollars. What is this world coming too? I'm over here trying to land a spot on some reality show so I can finally start my shortcut to millions and just bang smokeshows while being an average looking guy but with a lot of money. Yea that's my plan, it's really a true story. Life isn't fair, folks. The averages joes don't get rewarded while the people like Casey get money thrown at her cus she has a small mouth and tight body.....damn shame.

Oh Word, Twitter Can Track Our Moods Now, Thats Whats Up

ABCnews - "By analyzing the tweets of 2.4 million people in 84 countries, they report, they found that people generally wake up in good spirits, but things go downhill as the workday goes on. On weekends the pattern holds as well, though everything happens two hours later because people sleep in.

The patterns were consistent across the globe, they say, despite widely varying cultures and religions.

The researchers, graduate student Scott Golder and sociology professor Michael Macy, say they ran 509 million tweets through a computer program designed to discern moods from the people’s use of key words. The results are published in this week’s edition of the journal Science.

“People criticize the Internet for being mundane or filled with gossip, but that’s really not so,” said Golder in a telephone interview. “The Internet records everything, so Twitter is a giant archive of time-coded conversations.”

Golder set up a website — http://timeu.se – and invites you to try it out for yourself. Try entering a word, such as “happy” or “breakfast” or “commute,” and see what time of day it was used most often. Click “submit query” and you should get a graph like this:

dm 110929 wblog Twitter Used to Track the Worlds Mood, Shows Were Happiest in Morning" width="478" height="269">

Tweets of the word "happy" during the day, according to Timeu.se. Courtesy Scott Golder, Cornell University

A quick analysis: People tweeted the word “happy” most often around 7 a.m. or 8 a.m., and then its use tailed off. Are they bummed by the trip to work?

Try other words. (The word “sex,” perhaps predictably, craters during daytime hours, and rises overnight.)

Some patterns Golder teased out:

• People report they eat bacon more than sausage at breakfast, and Cheerios more often than Frosted Flakes.
• If people tweet the word “beer,” there’s a seven-hour lag, on average, before there’s a spike in the word “drunk.”
• Commuting on Friday isn’t so bad — but the trip home stinks.

Twitter is now the 9th-most-visited site worldwide, according to the Web-tracking service Alexa. As of July, Twitter said users were sending 200 million tweets per day."

Remember that day when Blake Lively's nude pictures got leaked to the world for all to see? The mood of Twitter that day must have been outrageous, straight roller coaster of emotions. Clearly every guy/lesbo was happy so that's one major emotion, but then you have to throw in all the horniess to follow that as too. I would have love to seen what the graph looked like on that day/time. Without a doubt that line sky rocked it to the top of the graph while passing the line percentage of Lindsay Lohan death pool ranking.

Since Twitter can read moods now and it will let us know what's up with ourselves I guess it should be sending me some help in the meantime? About 90% of my tweets have the following words in them...

white girls, boobs, whooty, date,beer, drunk, hot, average, true story, get it in, broad & chick.

yup, those are the most use words within my tweets, how is twitter going to respond to that? If it wants to give me a special feedback with some message that states

" dear twitter user MrJoshua_Jones, we here at twitter have study your tweets and came to a solution on how to up lift your mood. We'll be sending an average but semi hot white girl with big boobs to your house to have a couple beers with you. We would also like to ask you not to say anything creepy around here since it won't be a good look for us, thank you very much...twitter mood."

Anyways, I been fucking with that graph thing for awhile and its been keeping me entertain for awhile. Keeping my a.d.d. in check, yea I have a.d.d. bitches. Besides my a.d.d, how crazy is technology getting that it can read our moods by what we type online and how we share our thoughts. Pretty soon social networks are going to keep track of what girls you have in your spank bank at a specific time of day and let them know about it. Oh shit! Vicky is going to toss you on the creep list. And ladies, be careful when you go to one of your enemies walls and pretend to write something nasty about that broad but you delete to save yourself some drama. The social network will let that broad know that you was getting ready to call her a "hoe stank slore"....you see, pretty fucked. I guess there is a lesson for all of us with this twitter mood crap.

P.S. The lesson is - be a happy creep. Fake lesson learned today.

Bristol Palin Is Rockin A New Pair Of DSL On Her(Dime Piece)mode

In the land of yesteryear I once said "I am 90% sure that I could either get it in with Bristol on the downlow or wife her up. The 10% doubt is coming from her mom. I think Mrs Palin would see through my lazy attempt of being a good guy." Now there is no chance at all that I can even get it in with Bristol, at all. This bitch(excuse my language) went and got some Angilna Jolia DSL! Yo, why hasn't this broad done playboy yet? She's 18 right, I think.....also she hates her mom and her mom is ashamed of her so it works out. I just saw this picture right now and I still like how she has that thickness to her, she didn't go all Hollywood yet. Well I wish her the best of and I'll be waiting for that sex tape to come out in the near future. Bet your asses I will be snacking on some fruit gushers while Bristol is getting her dirty on.


"This week, Sarah Palin's eldest daughter revealed that her slimmer, more angular facade is the result of "corrective jaw surgery" -- "not plastic surgery" -- that she underwent last December.

"It improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons ... so my jaw and teeth could properly realign. ... I don't obsess over my face," Palin, 20, told US Weekly Magazine."

"I am absolutely thrilled with the results," she added. "I look older, more mature, and don't have as much of a chubby, little baby face!"

Gaydar, 6th Sense, Spidey Sense, And Hate Vibes

If you don't have the skill of having Hate Vibes I truly feel sorry for you. I have the gaydar & spidey sense on lock, not so much the 6th sense, but that's fine. Having hate vibes is too legit, I absolutely love it and I use it daily every where I go and with everyone I see. Hold up, did I forget to explain what Hate Vibes is and how it works? My bad folks.
We all heard the saying of "Don't judge a book by its cover" or " Don't knock something till you try it" well Hate Vibes is basically getting that instant urge of hate for a person that you never spoken to before in your life but this is your first time seeing them. You automatically can tell that this person is going to be a total douche or a tool(even a bitch if its a chick), just by looking at them you already want to punch them in their face. It could be cus of their euro trash glasses they have on when it's winter and the snow is falling, or maybe it has something to do with that extra small shirt they have on with a picture of themselves that says AWESOME under below them. It could be a range of reasons that these people trigger our hate vibes but I promise you that those reasons will be good and they will help you.
Today when you head out to lunch to get your chicken gyro or caesar salad, check to see if your hate vibes are on alert. Give them the look, yea you know what look I'm talking about. That dirty ass look old people give you when you're drunk and getting ready to fall asleep in front of their car.
Oh and another thing I notice people have a problem is with me hating people before I even have the chance to meet them or say hi. "Are you serious, upham? I don't have the right to hate a person cus I didn't talk to them yet but they have douche written all over them!" People legit get mad over the hate vibes. Hey, I have people that don't like me and even hate me. How do I know this? These people went out of their way to tell me. Hey it doesn't break my heart, actually they all a good reason not to like/hate me. Some people may see your views and some others may think you're an idiot or think ignorant...whatever, shit happens. That's how the world works so go out there and share the hate vibes, please.

Gangsta Skinny Dude From Road Trip Gets His Ass Beat By Vancouver Cops

VANCOUVER — Actor-producer DJ Qualls is being urged to contact Vancouver police.

Following allegations by Qualls he was beaten and sent to hospital by a Vancouver police officer, a spokesman for the force said they want more details of his complaint.

“At this point we can’t speak to details or allegations,” said VPD spokesman Const. Lindsey Houghton.

“We don’t want to taint the process.”

I didn't even know this dude had a name, just always figured people called him Skinny Dude from Road Trip(was Tom Green in that movie?) And did Canada just get tough all of a sudden? They have the Vancouver police given beat downs to D-List actors now, which is pretty low I must say. Beating up on D.J. Qualls is pretty fucked up since the dude weighs about 110lbs at least? Sarah Jessica Parker's face weighs more than he does. What D.J. needs to do his sue their asses so he can have some money again in his bank account and then maybe he'll get lucky and get a pity hire to make another movie. I honestly enjoyed him in all his movies(Road Trip and some other movie), always had me chuckling and slapping my leg like a young Bernie Mac. D.J. god speed and hope to see you on the big screen again.

Red Sox are back to being the Red Sox

Doing what they do best... choke.

Yeah, I know... I'm a yankee fan and the rays smacked us in the face tonight...

How the hell did we not score with guys on first and third with no outs? *face palm*

All I know is El Pres over at barstool is not going to sleep very well... go check out the comments section from his latest post, shit is hilarious.


Oh, by the way... this is Lauren, and I'm writing about sports. Crazy shit, right?

Well At Least Some Of Us Will Be Sleeping A Little Easier These Nights...

...2011 Boston Red Sox, how can I describe this team that was a 5 to 1 odds of Winning the World Series? The Sox were basically little boobs in an expensive ass push up bra. They teased us with their flashy roster and bringing in Crawlford & Gonzo to get their beast mode on. Then they started showing some cleavage and getting us excited, along with some hope, remember that guys? Finally when the moment came for the Sox to show their dominance and take control of the AL East, they blow their lead, the collapse begins, and blow the wildcard....thus when the bra came off and we thought we was going to motorboat some C's/D's it turned out to be some little flapjacks boobs. Hell, the Sox made the Battle of Thermoplyse seem like a major setback compared to their epic fuck up. Now the Sox are going to join the 2007 NY Mets as one of the worst collapse in MLB history, not a good look at all. So where would I rank this along the list of failures/collapses/disappointment of Boston sports teams of all times?

10. Ted Williams, Ray Bourque, and Randy Moss, never winning a championship with our teams.
9. The 1986 New England Patriots losing to The Chicago Bears which Walter Payton never got to score a Td but Willam Perry did.
8. The 1986 World Series where the ball rolled through Bill Buckner's legs and the NY Mets went on to win.
7. The 1996 New England Patriots getting blown out by the Greenbay Packers in the Super Bowl, who remembers Desmond Howard running back that kick return.
6. The 2003 ALCS game of the Red Sox and Yankees, Grady Little kept Pedro in way to long and the Yankees went to town on the Sox. Then Wakefield came in and on the first pitch Aaron Boone crushed a solo monster for the win.
5. The 2010 Boston Bruins were up 3-0 to the Flyers in the Eastern Conference Finals just needing one more win to advance. What happen? They pulled the classic 04 NY yankees and let the the Philly Flyers comeback to force a game 7 and knock the Bruins out.
4. 2003 Boston Celtics in the NBA Eastern Semifinals just got destroyed by Jason Kidd and the Nets.
3. 2011 Boston Red Sox....we just went over this.
2. 2008 Patriots, when Tom Brady was lost for the season! He was suppose to go lethal on the NFL for what happen the following year....
1. The 2007 Patriots vs The NY Giants in the SuperBowl......I can't even bring myself to talk about this since its still a fresh wound on the inside. The dream of 19-0 was dwindle down to 18-1.

That was painful to type, all those memories of Boston fans suffering, but I guess on the bright side there are a couple newly earned championships that found homes in Boston. So I guess now it's time to continue to root for the Pats and hope they go 18-1 again, the Bruins weren't a Cinderella miracle, and the Boston Celtics get to have the NBA season back so we can go for title number 18? Also, I would like to add the Sox owe me a booty call and cost me $50 I made with a Florida fan.

P.S. Look at Lauren getting her sports blogging on, alright girl I'm proud of you. I'll give you some sugar later on.

PETA can suck it!

Some people are vegetarians and vegans for health reasons, and I can totally respect that... hell I even respect those who don't agree with factory farms and shit (because it IS pretty fucked up). But when we get to the crazy ass animal activist vegans an shit, that's when I stop my respect line. Do they not get it? Watch the fucking Lion King assholes, it's the circle of life! It's the damn food chain!

It's like these dicks want the world to be over run by chickens... that would be A) a feathery mess and B) it would smell HORRIBLE.

One thing that I can't rag on PETA about is the whole fur thing. Real fur clothing is just unnecessary. Buy a fleece at Old Navy, no need to wear 60 chinchillas on your back... you're gross. The only tiny tiny bit of respect I did have for this activist company has vanished with the snap of my fingers after reading the following article about one of their newest ad campaigns...

New PETA ad targets Anna Maria shark attack victim

via Southern Broadcast Corp of Sarasota

ANNA MARIA, Fla. - A controversial PETA advertisement has been released, targeting the recent victim of a shark attack that happened off the coast of Anna Maria Island.

"Payback is Hell" is being used to send anglers a message that fish feel pain.

"It may be an unusual way to get the message across, but I think it will cause people to be more sensitive towards fish," says Ashely Byrne with PETA.

Last weekend, 21-year-old, C.J. Wickersham was spearfishing in the Gulf of Mexico, just a few miles from Anna Maria Island.

"We are certainly glad the man is going to be alright, but we hope he and other fishermen will use this as an opportunity to rethink fishing," said Byrne.

PETA wants the illustration placed on billboards and benches around Anna Maria.  Mayor Michael Selby says that won't happen.  "We have no billboards in the city, and we do not allow advertising on our trolley benches," says Selby.

One angler says this is PETA's "typical propaganda."  "If I see one of those billboards that they plan on putting up, I will burn it down," says shark angler Bill Goldschmitt.

Goldschmitt says the advertisement is adding insult to injury.  "This is a human we are talking about.  A lot of these animal rights activists look at the things being done to animals and don't seem to recognize what is being done to humans."

PETA officials say this is not the first time they have tried to install signs after a shark attack on a human.




Isn't that pretty fucked up? How about this PETA, it costs money to go to the grocery store and buy organic vegan bullshit... we're in a recession... fishing is a means of putting food on the table at almost no cost at all. To be perfectly honest, I'd go on a vegetarian diet for a couple months to be more healthy, but it's fucking expensive! People wonder why Americans are so overweight, it's because a McDouble is $1 and a McSalad (or whatever they're called) is $6. People have been fishing since people have existed, yes sharks attack people but while they're doing it they aren't thinking "That's for spearing my cousin bitch!" They are thinking "What the fuck, you're not a fish!" 


You don't like that I eat meat PETA? Well I don't like that you carve your jack-o-lanterns... thats gourd abuse!

Just Some Observations I've made...

Do you ever just look around and notice little things that maybe no one else has mentions, until eventually you just have this HUGE list of observations that you don't even know what to do with?? No? It's just me? Hmm well then I guess I'm going to share them with you, so that we both have huge lists of stupid shit in our heads.

Heeeerrreeeee we GO! My Observations:

- Some people don't realize there's 2 people writing this blog. Read the bottom of the post to see who it's written by before you ask me about it... generally if the post talks about hooking up with me, I probably didn't write it. ;)

- Subscribing to people on Facebook is the equivalent to stalking. It's like saying "Oh, I don't want to be your friend, but I want to keep track of your every move."

- Who ever decided that yard work was to be done during the day in the hot sun... was a dick. I also hope he died of heat stroke.

- There is an absurd amount of social networks, all of which do pretty much the same thing. Why?

- Don't bitch and moan that you don't feel good if you've gone more than a week without eating a vegetable. And french fries don't count.

- People either LOVE Mac Miller, or they don't like him at all.. there's no in between. Why? He is so lyrically talented for someone so young. Sorry Josh, you took Jenna Marbles from me, you can't take Mac too haha.

- Beer drunk and liquor drunk are sooo different... I prefer liquor drunk. By a long shot.

- If you're a hot girl on youtube, all you have to do is say "ass and titties" in a video and you're probably set for life. No, seriously... go try it!

- I get way more views on my videos when I post them here, so... here:







- Mr. Matt from FunnyMeNow FINALLY got the time to upload some pictures from the time we've hung out... go check them out on my facebook. (Not my friend? add me, don't subscribe like a stalker...)

- I think there might be subliminal messaging on Twitter. I only say that because when you open new tabs on google chrome, it tells you which websites are your most visited, and twitter is now ahead of both facebook AND blogger... fut the whuck?

- That harder i think about what to be for halloween, the less time i spend actually figuring out what I'm doing ON halloween...

- Some people are just full of surprises... ;)


Alrighty, well I had a bunch more, but then I got distracted by something and forgot them. May update this later, may not... doesn't matter... Josh has a ton of new shit coming to keep you all busy. Posts are coming out as frequently as barstool... oh snap, do I smell raging success?

Oh, and "FUCK YEAH BITCH THAT WAS MOTHER FUCKING EPIC!" (for good measure)

The Young Marriage Epidemic, Feel Free To Bump The Breaks

"I'd like to congratulate my friend Sally & Winston on their good news and hope they have wonderful lives together"
"Cheers to my best friend Billy Bo & Jane on their engagement, truly a match made for each other"

Have you been seeing facebook statuses like that or at least get tired of seeing those? Or your friend tells you about one of their college roommates just ask his girl to marry him? Are these people serious? I feel like I'm living in Mississippi again where all the young kids/adults was already married to each other, out of high school or at least 2 or 3 years removed from school. Some of you may be thinking that I don't understand this, they love each other and they are ready to start their lives together, yada yada, blah, blah. I completely understand what they are thinking and they are ruining shit for their relationship down the line, I tell you.

Unmarried Couple; Things that are enjoyable -
Hanging with your friends & taking trips with them(clearly more fun when you're not married)
Drinking & getting drunk(oh you can do this once you're married too....but wait we're adults now and it isn't the right thing to do in in front of people)
Sex(Unmarried sex has to be better than married sex, without a doubt it's better.)
Money(You both have your own money, separate bank accounts, carefree of any major bills)

Married Couple; Things that become ruined -
Hanging with your friends & taking trips(Hanging with the married couple once or twice is alright but deep down inside its kinda awkward. Missing out on all the jokes and stories)
Drinking & getting drunk( oh no we can still get drunk, just last night ashley and I got wasted off a couple bottles of bud light and some wine while we was watching Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist.) which that movie is so underrated anyways.
Sex(you're married now, you see each other every single day/night....peace out sex, it was nice knowing you)
The Parents( Yo, when you two were just a couple you didn't have to worry who's parents are coming over and why are they trying to have dinner tonight, you could make a lie and you're good. Now you're expected to have the early bird dinner with momma & poppa bear, plus they know your phone and have your facebook)
.....having a baby(goodbye and see you around)

Now most likely I'm wrong on every single thing I that described but it's still a couple of things that some young couples on the verge of getting married should think about. It's also your job to talk your friends out of marriage and holding back for a couple more years, have a little bit more fun before things start to change.

What Up, Tumblr, Welcome To The Elite Club

WSJ - Tumblr has scant revenue and a nascent business model, but the fast-growing blogging service said it raised $85 million in venture capital. The investment values the company at $800 million, said people familiar with the matter.

The funding round highlights a continuing interest in promising new technology companies despite concerns about the economy at large. The Wall Street Journal reported last month that Tumblr was poised to raise $75 million to $100 million in a round that put the company at $800 million.

So far Tumblr's lack of revenue has kept some major Silicon Valley venture firms from signing onto ..." <--- The wall street journal wouldn't let me finish the story unless if I subscribe to their online paper. No comparison for their fellow middle/lower class brother, let me read your advance and tingling stories online for free.

1. I had no idea Tumblr was a blogging website.

1. I had no idea Tumblr was a blogging website.
2. I still have no idea how Tumblr even works, or how one blogs on it.
3. Didn't this website just come out last year and its already moving up the social networking rich list?

I need to start investing in these up and coming social media websites so I can get a share of those profits. How much is Twitter worth? It can't be worth that much if it only allows its users a limit of 140 words, c'mon that's not enough space for Miley Cyrus to let her fans know how her alcohol abuse is coming along. Anyways, isn't this crazy how social websites are just blowing the fuck up and becoming these global cooperation's, plus how soon till Tumblr makes a power move and gives Zuckerberg a nudge from is high tech lazy boy?
To be honest, I don't really know shit about Tumblr and how they operate or how their growth transcends their profit. Its been at least 3 or 4 years since I took a business class that covered Internet business and start up ideas. This was all done at a community college too so I was basically learning from a former .com owner that lost it in the "website roulette", oh what a class that was. Any who, good luck to Tumblr on making it big and for sucking us users in, clearly they know what we want and also how to get it. For now I have some research to do so I can start making millions asap!

Ladies & Gents....Old Man Swag Is Signing Off For The Last Time

Time - "(NEW YORK) — CBS says commentator Andy Rooney will make his final weekly "60 Minutes" appearance on this Sunday's edition. The 92-year-old Rooney will announce his departure in his regular essay at the end of the program, where he has been featured since 1978.

This, his 1,097th original essay for the program, will be preceded by a segment in which Rooney looks back on his career with "60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer, CBS said Tuesday.

Rooney began his run on "60 Minutes" in July 1978 with an essay about the reporting of automobile fatalities on the Independence Day weekend.

He became a regular contributor that fall, delivering sometimes folksy, sometimes cranky commentaries on ordinary life"

Well I guess this is the perfect time for me to finally get this off my chest, this is going to be a shocker to everyone I think. The truth is that 60 minutes & a couple minutes with Andy Rooney is my guilty pleasure on late Sunday nights. If 60mins isn't covering something that really interest me then I just DVR it and skip to the end so I can here Mr Rooney share his 2cents with me. This dude is a legit G, he has to be the most demented but insightful old man on television, well that was on television, it's too bad he never got more time on the show to preach to the world. Always trying to hold the man back in moving up in the business....I feel you your pain Andy, much love.
If you have time this Sunday evening it would be a good idea to try and tune into 60minutes on CBS to see him in action and also to take a look back at his career, I promise you that you won't be bored or disappointed.

P.S. - "Alfy Gordon's mother wouldn't let Alfy have fireworks" what a bitch Alfy's mother was! When was the last time you met a guy with the name Alfy? Never that's why, matter fact I never even thought of the never Alfy if it wasn't for Andy Rooney and his firework story. Guarantee you'll never hear a better firework story than the one you just heard about from, Andy Rooney. True story.

In Today's News...

The new Footloose movie looks like complete shit, legit the worse remake ever. You can see the movie trailer below and agree that it's basically a mixture of "You Got Served" & " Grease 2"....thus welcomes you Footloose 2011 the fucked up disgrace. Yo, did Kevin Bacon even give his good grace for this movie to be made? Mr. Bacon was Footloose! Such a damn shame.

Everybody take some time and pour out some Doritos for Mr Arch West aka Mr Doritos.

Fox News - "DALLAS (AP) — Arch West, a retired Frito-Lay marketing executive credited with creating Doritos as the first national tortilla chip brand, has died in Dallas at age 97.

A statement issued by the West family says he died Tuesday at Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas. A graveside service is scheduled for Oct. 1. Daughter Jana Hacker of Allen tells The Dallas Morning News the family plans on "tossing Doritos chips in before they put the dirt over the urn."

West was a marketing vice president for Dallas-based Frito-Lay in 1961 when, while on a family vacation near San Diego, he found a snack shack selling fried tortilla chips. Hacker says her father got a tepid corporate response to the tortilla chip idea but conducted marketing research that led to the Doritos rollout."

Well I guess that's the way to move on to the afterlife, having your creations that made you millions tossed in before the dirt blanket is covering you. Now when I go I need to figure out what I want tossed in with me so I can bring along with me to the next life. I might ask for some Sam Adams bottle caps, ultra thin condoms, a boston red sox hat, and maybe some dunkaroos. All of those things have and will contribute to my fortune some time in the future.

Sports - I'm 0-3 in my Fantasy Football League, so Team I Zumba Witha Boner isn't looking to fresh right now and this was suppose to be my best team amongst all of my leagues.
The Patriots better go 18-1 after losing to the Bills on Sunday.
The Red Sox...well you know, collapsing and ruin our hopes and dreams of a championship. Least I still have the Bruins to cheer for.

Economy/Finance - I'm still poor and bank account is looking smaller than a Japanese porn star dick.

Worldly News - The world is still a fucked up place, more crime, war, death, poverty, and other stuff that will continue to happen.

Alright well that's it. Time to call it a day and try to go hit on the blonde bartender with the giggle boobs that already has a boyfriend. You're thinking I'm probably stupid or a creep but I can assure you that you're wrong. No tips involved, just talking, a chuckle here and there. You see how I spend my week nights. Pretty damn aweso...me? Eh, time for me to get a grown life. Booty call, anyone?

I'm Back, Folks. Clearly You Must Have Notice I Was Missing....Right?

(Fox News was first to break this news. True Story.)

Yup, I'm back blogging for I.S. once again, ladies and gents. No need to send me welcome back emails and signed undergarments from my favorite female readers, just continue to read the useless, somewhat sexist(not really), and grammar filled post that I put out for all to enjoy. Now I know many of you have questions that need to be answered and I already know what those questions are so allow me to answer your questions for you so you can go on with the rest of your day feeling satisfy.

1. Josh are you still single, if so when can "hang out" - Yes, I am still single, my jdate.com plan didn't work out so well like I thought it would. Also, if one of you lovely females would like to hangout with me, all you need to is drop me an email.

2. How long ago was your recent blog? - Zombie Apocalypse.....who doesn't love zombies, who doesn't love reading a zombie survival guide on the zombie apocalypse? Plus Lindsay Lohan isn't fooling me with her advance Zombie smart syndrome, yea I know she's been dead for awhile already.

3. Where is my "fake boss"(till I get paid then the Real gets added)/owner of this site? - Lauren aka Viral Matero is currently going beast mode on her youtube channel and getting her vblogs out there, think she might be fucking around on twitter too? So basically head honcho is vlogging while she does her twitter updates and I'm holding down the fort. Good enough with me, better that I keep my average looking mug of the camera and have the comfort of sitting from home and typing this up.

4. When are you and Lauren finally going to hook up? - I'm currently in the process of making my move on her. I can't give away all the details but I will tell you readers that it's going to be best mediocre plan ever, doesn't that sound pretty sick? Hey, I'm a 23 yr old guy that tries to take shortcuts in life and hope I get lucky when ever I can.....now lets all wish me the best of luck.

5. Will you get Lauren to stop posting Mac Miller songs on the site? Yes, yes I will get her to stop, well not stop but I will try to introduce her to better rappers than Mr Miller. Don't blame Lauren, she doesn't have that much exposure to rap/hip hop so she doesn't know that their are better dudes out there. It's all good sweet cheeks, we still love you, I still love you.

So I answered all the questions that you readers were thinking and hopefully you enjoyed them. Now I'm not sure if I have enough time to fit in another blog but I will try and see what I can do, course you all want more of my derange blogging to fill your happy lives, right, right???

Social Suicide

Dear Millions (possibly billions?) of Users,
                      I know you have been using me for quite some time now to interact with your family, friends  and peers but I've noticed lately that you've been spending a lot of time with my new neighbor Google+. Frankly, I don't know what you see in him... he's easy, and plain and professional... he even glitches sometimes! Who wants any of that in a social network? When I saw a bunch of you slipping away from me I decided to undergo a few cosmetic procedures in hopes of winning you all back. I don't know if you noticed or not but now at the top of my news feed, I list a bunch of random posts from some people I think you're obsessed with because I think that YOU think they'd be interesting. (Even though I'm wrong 97% of the time) I also added a mini feed of every move that every single one of your friends makes to the right side of you page, and it even scrolls with you so that you cannot, and WILL NOT, escape it! Yet despite my best efforts to win you over for good, I have still failed you. For that I apologize. I've let you all down. I also apologize to that friend who you don't really talk to anymore whose birthday was last night but you didn't know because I moved the place where I post your friend's birthdays.  I will leave you all alone now, I have a meeting with my old buddies MySpace and Xanga... we're going to a big networking event. If you want the address to join us, it's 404 Error Street, Not Found AOLHometown 90210.

Your old Friend,
 FaceBook.

Halloween is THE Greatest Day of ALL TIME.

Go ahead and prove me wrong... what is ONE bad thing about Halloween? I can't even think of one. Halloween is awesome even if it falls on a Monday. Candy up the asshole everywhere you go, closet sluts get to put it all out there for the world to see, and guys can wear all the Victoria's Secret as they can handle and not be questioned in any way. It's like the day of all days, and it's coming up quickly.

The hardest part of Halloween for me is deciding where I want to go, and what I want to be. I know the obvious choice this year would be a hot ninja turtle of some sort, since I already have the masks and the shell but I want to surprise everyone and not go with the no-brainer. Last year I wasn't very creative and I went with a subdued Ke$ha costume, which wasn't really a costume because it was all my own clothes anyway.

My version of Ke$ha.

I decided to Google "Creative costume ideas" and see what the coolest things I could find were, and If I find something awesome enough I will be completely UNcreative and copy it... The first one I found that I thought would be wildly appropriate was this guy...

He gets a thumbs up AND a +1 from me!

That costume has the humor and creativity down but it's lacking in the mobility area. I could easily see myself being set on fire or karate chopping the shit out of all that cardboard by hour two of wearing it. This next "costume" has all the great characteristics that I'm looking for though... wear-ability, humor, hottness and even deliciousness.

Exhibit A

It's also a winner because it's only mildly offensive if you're a vegetarian/vegan, and if you are then you probably aren't invited to my party because what kind of fucking human doesn't like meat on bread?  Not any kind that I want to be around.

I still have a few weeks to think about this and decide on something fantastic but in the meantime if anyone get's any crazy ideas or finds something that's just way too cool then show me that shit ASAP.

Also, just to put the word out there, Ryan and I are going to be throwing our own Halloween shin-dig this year. We haven't decided on a date yet, I probably won't be the day of because we know people will be bar-hopping. If you are in or around Florida then you are invited! Just shoot me a tweet or an email for further info. ;)

Closet Nazi.

I have to come out and admit something to all of you. I've been holding it in for quite some time now, and I just feel like we're all at a point where we can trust one another not to judge based on traits which we cannot control. For as long as I can remember... I have been a closet grammar nazi. There, I said it.

It's hard to be grammar conscious in a txt'ing world such as today's society. Sometimes I catch myself saying "brb" and "wtf" but some things about the grammar of my generation NEED to change. The English teacher inside of me is weeping, and the last straw was staring me in the face while checking my Twitter tonight.

First thing that really sets me off... "Should of."

If I see another person say "should of" instead of "should have" I'm going to go ape shit. Hell, next person I see doing it, I'm going to reply with "GO BACK TO SCHOOL DIP SHIT!" That might be a tiny bit harsh, but really if you can figure out how to use twitter effectively, then you should probably know how to form a sentence first.

Second annoying bullshit is "use to."

The correct phrase you're looking for is "used to," as in the past tense, and please, please, just add that last D on there so I can keep a grip on the last string of my sanity. Please.

Grammar is only the beginning... I guess you could call me a spelling nazi as well. I can forgive txt language and gamer nerd speak, (the things about THAT that piss me off are a whole other post) but I just feel like something so simple as how to spell basic words used in everyday conversation should be a requirement to be allowed to use the internet. Really guys... sound out the words if you have to. Unfortunately does not sound like unforchantly. No offense to my buddies who are admittedly horrible spellers... I just feel like there is no effort being put forth. People need to turn off the Netflix and open up a book. Hell, read books online like i do... every little bit helps.

You would think with the amount of time spent texting, typing and browsing on such advanced technology that our language skills would HAVE evolved, however it seems like it's quite the opposite.

p.s. I would like to point out that when i search twitter for both "should of" and "use to" the top results were both from Tyrese Gibson. All brawn and no brains *le sigh*

Things I'm kinda into right now... again.

Every so often I make a shot little post about things that I'm either obsessed with, or really into at the moment... And suffering from blogger's block at this point in time helped me realize that it's probably a good time for another one of those.

Music

I will give almost any kind of music a chance... except country. Something about southern accents and twangy guitars just makes me all uneasy and irritable. Lately I've been into any sort of music that I can dance too, and randomly I'm SUPER into Mac Miller. The first song I heard of his was "Donald Trump", but after finding him cute in a "normal kid" kind of way I decided to keep listening... the video for "Best Day Ever" was amazing, and really sweet... got to have respect for a little white kid who shares his embarrassing home videos with the world.  It's rare that I go as far into any artist's discography as I did with this kid, and I encourage you all to do so too. (Download some of his mix tapes, some of the best shit are on those.)

Movies

I've been going to see A LOT of movies here recently because all the theaters in my area are doing this $5 Tuesday deal, which makes it almost impossible to pass up. These past 2 weeks I went and saw two movies that aren't my normal style of comedy or Pixar... 2 weeks ago was Colombiana. Colombiana is about a little girl who's parents were murdered right in front of her by a Colombian cartel and she grows up to be a lean mean killing machine. It was pretty bad ass, she is out for vengeance and boy oh boy does she deliver. Definitely a go-see if you like hot chicks who sling guns.

Then this past Tuesday I saw Contagion... holy fucking creep balls! The bad thing about this movie is that it made me paranoid as hell... now I have 2 bottles of germ-x and a can of Lysol in my turtle backpack. How diseases spread is ridiculous, and this movie only makes you realize how something small that you don't even think about can really fuck your day up... as well as 38 million other people. *shivers*

TV

Now... I don't watch a whole lot of TV. Main reason being is there's so much shitty TV that I don't want to waste my time. However, when I saw a ton if people tweeting about the season 4 finale of TrueBlood, I got a little curious. I found a place online where I could watch every episode, and now 4 or 5 days later, I'm half way done with season 3. I am blown away by this series... usually I'm not into the whole Vampires, Werewolves and mythical creatures thing but over at HBO they did it right. No one sparkles, sure there's romance involved but it's not high school bullshit-- it's real-life problems with murder and blood sucking thrown in. I was pleasantly surprised and I'm going to be pretty bummed when I finish the 4th season in the next few days. Having to wait until the next one... is there even a next one? Ugh. So yeah... give it a try, even if you don't think you're into the whole vampire thing. 

Social Networking

Last but not least, I'm obviously all over the internet. Facebook has been slowly creeping out of my daily routine, which is weird since it's being replaced by Twitter, which as you SHOULD know... I absolutely hated up until about a month ago. Facebook is trying really hard to be Google+, and sad to say but I'm already over Google+. Sure the hangouts are cool, but the quality of the video has gone way down hill, and also my whole feed is covered in people trying to advertise themselves. Not cool Google... Sure it's supposed to be more professional, but it's not fun at all. They added games and I think that was a huge mistake, if I start seeing Farmville on G+ I'm going to smash my Toshiba to pieces.

As far as Twitter goes, here is a list of people who you need to go follow. No questions, just do it. Seriously. 

(Me of course) @LaurenIsNutZo

@screamingnspace

@Theycallmehydro

@funnymenow

@JWatson

@JMHacker

@Avada_Kaydavra

@Jenna_Marbles

@Kim_Nguyen

@charlestrippy

@MacMiller

@DevIsHot

If you want to be added to the list, just tweet me and I'll do it ;)

As far as youtube goes, i always talk about my local Tubers, so i won't go and mention them all again. I'm doing a whole separate post about different youtube styles soon anyway, and all of the people I watch will be in there. :)

Sooo, there's what i'm diggin' right now. Not all of it, just some of it... because we all know how random I am. OK... yeah... so bye.

Look at Us now...

My Dad at Ground Zero, ten years ago.

I'm not going to do the cliche thing here. Sure, everyone is sharing their "where was I" stories from 9/11 but who is reading them? Do you all honestly care where I was ten years ago? Some 13 year old kid in science class, oblivious to everything... no, you probably don't care. What I am interested in is what everyone as a whole is doing differently now, as compared to then?

What do we have today that we wouldn't necessarily have if all of that never happened? Ridiculous airport security, and some good movies... no, it's more than that. Because of those idiots who hi-jacked those planes I am a paranoid little asshole.

I really enjoy flying, and the whole airport experience. It's a little bit stressful, but it's a rush. I love seeing all the people who have places to go and things to do, and I love knowing that they see me, wearing my ninja turtle backpack, and I too have a place to go, and things to do. In it's own weird way, being at the airport makes me feel like I have a bit of meaning. Along with that though, I feel like all eyes are on me. I don't do anything wrong, or have anything illegal in my luggage, but no matter what I ALWAYS think I'm going to be singled out for something. I've pictured walking through the terminal and being tackled by huge TSA agents and then being dragged off to Guantanamo Bay all because I have a tattoo of a gun on my side.

I guess it sort of goes hand in hand with why I love flying, but I also love heights. Some people are deathly afraid, but not me... I love being up high in the air and seeing for miles and miles. EXCEPT if I'm in a building. I hate tall buildings. I dont know what lead me to think I was this big old target who people were gunning for, but I always feel like I'm going to be in a big building at the same moment as some jackass decides to bomb the place. It's nothing to joke about, and I know this, and I legitimately get scared and nervous in really big buildings.

In the end, 9/11 was horrible and tragic and life changing. Yes, everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing, but think about how it effects you now. How much have you grown? What do you do differently?

p.s. I don't want to hear about any more conspiracy theories... no matter what the fuck happened, people suffered, died, and became heroes that day-- don't take away from their memory by pointing fingers. Put that shit away, and just honor them like they deserve to be honored.

Carnival Games

Usually I choose the title of my post before I write the actual content, but this time it isn't the case... I have so much I want to say that I don't know exactly what is going to make the last cut.

From May until August I have done so many new things that I never thought I'd get the chance to do, met so many people I never dreamed of meeting, and also over come so many issues that I had with myself. It was one of the greatest summers that I can remember, and I always will remember it as well. It opened many doors for me and now in September, I have to play that dreaded carnival game.

In door number one, you have familiarity. Something and someone you are used to, who you have shut out once before to protect yourself, but who has proven to have grown and bettered themselves. You have certainty, and hope and some lingering anger and resentment, but you will also have security.

Behind door number two you have uncertainty. Someone and some things who you aren't comfortable around 100% yet, and who you aren't even sure about whether they feel the same way you do. There is, however, the possibility for adventure and to live out one of your more unconventional dreams.

Door number 3 is a bit of a mystery. You know who it holds and you know how you feel about it, but you are scared that picking a door that is so far away would be the opposite of what you really want.

Lastly there is door number 4. Excitement, similarities, fun and affection but there is a lot that you don't know yet, and maybe it's that way for a reason...

For a while there I was doing pretty well with decision making after KB taught me that I was perfectly capable, but now being faced with such huge ones lately, I find myself back where I started. It's different this time, though. All the other times I knew what I wanted, I was just afraid to say it out loud... this time I don't even know what I want. I know what I don't want, and that is to hurt or upset anyone else, but I have to remember that this is MY life... not anyone else's.

Ahhhhh i don't like growing up... I get so worried sometimes that I'll turn out like some of the douche bags I've encountered lately... Like the kind of "grown up" chicks who call peoples mommies when they are too big of bitches to confront someone to their face. But I have to remember, "Lauren, don't worry... you're already waaayyyy past kindergarten, you're golden."

As my good friend Devin aka TheyCallMeHydro says, "Haters pay my bills." So keep on hatin' and keep on lovin' and I'll be right here. (We gon' take over the world while these haters gettin' mad!)

p.s. I remembered some quotes I used to use quite often and they're stuck in my head, so i'm going to share them with you...

"Before you criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them."

"If you're not living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space."

Like you Haven't seen this already...

Well, ladies and gents... I present you with Jon's epic zip lining video from our adventure with Matt the other day...



This was one of the most fun things I have ever done... after this and skydiving I feel like I should be doing extreme shit like this all the time. What's next? Shark diving? Underwater basket weaving? Swing dancing? Who knows, but it will probably be fun as hell.

I had a great time with Jon and Matt and I really look forward to hanging out with them again. I feel like we make a good team! They can even keep up with my amazing awesomeness... or is it the other way around? Who knows, but I'm trying to get Matt to actually send me the photo we took of all of us so I can have another memory other than the fantastic video Jon made.

If you guys want info about the Zoom Air Zip-Lining adventures at the Central Florida Zoo in Sanford, FL then you can go to their facebook page right Here.