Be a Hipster Asshole.

Now, I am in no way a hipster... except for the whole Deep-V thing. For some reason, all i wear are vneck t's. So shoot me.

Newest YouTube Video:

I want to Taste The Rainbow...

So I don't know who's seen this mock Skittle commercial on YouTube, but it is probably the most brilliant thing ever created. It lingers on the verge of completely inappropriate and fucking insane. Who ever decided that they were going to commit to this idea and execute it PERFECTLY is a genius and I would like to bury my face in their... talent.

Here is said video:

Now, the creator of this video is in no way affiliated with Wrigley's or Skittles, but after shit like this, if I were the leprechaun in charge of skittles I would sign this fucking dude immediately. Best advertising strategy ever, create an epic viral video geared towards the current generations sense of humor. Who ever is offended by this video should get the hell off the internet, because shit like this probably plays on the Disney Channel over in Europe. (really though, those people are crazy)

I hope every one of you watches this video until you can't laugh any longer, and then send that shit over to your mom, and your mom's mom and watch them cringe and then slowly fall in love with the rainbow-y goodness.

p.s. 5 days until the World YoYo Contest, at which I plan on having a brilliant time.

These are the days...

There are some points in life where you just have to stop and ask yourself... "Is this real life?" now-- those points can be either good or bad moments, but usually whichever they are, you will remember them, or want to remember them for a looong time.

For example, in exactly 8 days is the 2011 World YoYo Contest in Orlando, Florida. To put it lightly... I am fucking pumped... beyond belief. I am so excited to see friends who I haven't seen a year or 3, and also to meet friends who i have been talking to for years yet never had the opportunity to meet. Events like these should be part of everyone's lives. If you have never been to any sort of huge convention such as this one, I urge you to attend one because you will have a friggin' amazing time. I promise.

Now don't get me wrong-- there doesn't have to be a huge event going on for there to be memorable moments. Take today for example, driving home from the dog beach in the pouring rain... "I need to take a shower before i leave the house again. My balls are sticking to my leg. *short pause* I think it's pepsi..."

Who the fuck says that? Shit is hilarious, and moments like that make my world go round. Life would be one big boring ball of shit without funny little moments like that.

Whether it be a big event out of town with thousands of people, or a small gathering of friends at a pizza place nearby, cherish these moments because you never know what happens next, or where you will end up.

Ahh life lessons... I don't always have lessons in my posts, but when i do they're fucking golden, right?

Things I'm Loving... for now.

I go through these phases where I discover a whole bunch of new things, and for a period of time I become OBSESSED with them. Well, lucky for all of you I have decided that I was going to make a list of all those things that I am currently obsessed with. You can thank me later, and keep in mind I accept all major credit cards. (and chocolate as a form of payment is acceptable as well.)

1.) Having friends on YouTube. I remember back in 2006-2007 when I made YouTube videos like it was my job... well NOW it actually is some peoples jobs. Crazy... Anyways, I have made a lot of really good friends through YouTube, and a lot of my real life friends have jumped into the community also, but i shall from refrain from saying "I told you so..."

Buddha Charlie... yeah don't ask.

From crazy yoyoing videos by Brad Moss, to literally crazy videos (sometimes ABOUT Brad moss) By BuddhaCharlie... my friends cover it all. I feel a special tingle in my heart when I see people who I've been friends with for a long time start to jump into making youtube videos. A good friend of mine, Matthew Whelchel likes to bring us on tours of Indiana on his longboard (along with other shenanigans...). I dig his videos-- unplanned randomness-- literally just random points in his life, which is cool because it's realistic and reminds me of the good old times. He is even so awesome as to pimp out the sparkle on his Twitter... thanks Matt :)

2.) Next obsession... of the moment... is dubstep. I'm talking wompwomp wubwubwubwubwubwubwubwub. There are literally no real words to describe the trance this shit puts you into, and it makes mediocre songs AMAZING. Like this Katy Perry dubstep remix... take out the Kanye, shorten the verses, and its perfect. I can dig. (Listen to it in either 720p or 1080p for the ultimate in wub-yness.




3.) Google+ Hangouts. Or as I like to call them... G-Spots. (seriously, you can only be allowed in if you can find it yourself) I stay up for hours and hours talking to my new G+ family. Great conversations, hilarious antics and all around fantastic shit goes down here, and if you have not joined in on one yet you are seriously missing out on a good time.  Hey, you might even get to see someone shave their eyebrows, or eat a whoooolllee lot of peanut butter!

The G-Spot Hangout in all its glory.

4.) Last but not least I am STILL obsessed with the google search results for this friggin' blog. Nosy ass fuckers still don't know who Jenna Marble's boyfriend is... it's fuckin' Max! God damnit! No, you have no chance so stop trying, dude is a smokebro. You also have no shot of seeing her naked, because I'm about 99% sure her next video on wednesday is not going to be a sex tape. I won't say anything else about Jenna today because my "blog-ployee" Josh isn't very fond of her, and since he has been doing a stellar job I won't torture him with her mention.

The Closet Slut: Perfecting The Art Of Getting Hers And Stay Classy At The Same Time

First off, let me get this out in the open....I support Closet Sluts in all their actions and choices. Some of you may not know what a Closet Slut is or what their purpose is in our society, so don't worry I'm going to fill you in.....well my version of the Closet Slut. And secondly I would like to warn those who get offended easily that they might want to stop reading right now so they won't have to huff & puff about the things I'm talking about. That's fair enough, right? Almost like a Spoiler alert....prudes and girls that tried to become closet sluts but failed at it somehow will not like this blog. Therefore I'm not sorry.

Closet Slut - Is almost like the Girl Next Door but maybe 5x better than her. She's not going to play games, cock tease you, or even be in the bitch zone. This girl may seem like she is to busy to hook up and she has other stuff going on or sometimes it may be cause of her innocent swag but once you get to know her then you find out what's really good. Texts messages become more dirty, nude pics without showing the face, and finally being alone with her is when you see the freak comes out. This girl keeps it on the dlow and classy at the same time.

Now, when and how does a girl become a closet slut? For when? I'd like to say junior year of high school since all the major sluts have a rep already and this girl knows how shit works now and what guys are lucky enough to know her secrets. It quiet an elaborate secret for a girl to have, like almost being the female James Bond of Box Stuffing(had to use that because I can't use "Getting It In For Girls") . After high school the Closet Slut moves onto college where her CSS = Closet Slut Swag is on point. She respects the "Chick Code" but finds loop holes in it thus allowing her CSS to move in. Gotta respect it. She also uses uses study group to bang the only average looking guy among the bunch. No late night trips to the dude's dorm room for the guy to get it in since she has to keep up the average girl act up, so she has the dude come over to her dorm with his big ass Zombies In Social Media course notes and print outs to make it look like work is being done. All in all that's how the Closet Slut rolls and still has the right to stay classy with what she does and avoids all the judgmental "good moral" people of society.

That's about it folks. Thank you for taking the time to read this and learning about the CS. I hope you enjoyed it and hopefully and can bring random useless knowledge to your wonderful minds. God bless and much love.

Does Being A Douchebag Get You Laid?

Sometimes but depends on what kind of douchebag swag you have. If you're just a flat out douchebag with nothing to back you up and you only act like that to get enjoyment from it then the answer would be no it won't help you get laid. However there are different types of douchebag forms that are quite popular with the ladies that might help you get it in with them. Now I'm not claiming to be an expert on this but from the douchebags that I have encountered and saw how they work it I think it's safe for me to go ahead and talk about this. Also I'm not a fan of any of the types of douchebag forms that I will be talking about but I will give credit to the ones that feel are pretty legit.

First off we have the Foreign DB - Girls find this type to be super sexy due to their accent from what ever land they hail from. These DB's most likely have super amazing hair, some short of ridiculous tattoo and the "charm" to get into any hot-average girls Victoria's secret 20% panties. So what makes them a DB? The smug look on their faces and stupid attempt to act like they don't speak English good. So these ones I really don't care for.

The Volunteer DB - (I work with abused animals on the weekends, taking them for walks and baths...stuff like that. Oh I forgot to add that I'm going to Paraguay next week to build a church and a new soccer fields for the village.) Get the fuck out of here with that stuff. Save that volunteer stuff for the Midwest folk and Canada, they love doing that shit. These DB always sucked at sports when they were little or probably to scared to even join in so they get to make up a story of how they saved a chipmunk that had a broken leg and nursed it back together. What type of girls fall for these DB's? Girls with good morals, drunk bar girls, and girls that love that stunning prince charming guy. I'm not saying volunteering is a bad thing and that I wouldn't do it but I wouldn't use it to brag to girls about it so I can get it. Plus if it's during football season then Gelato the ASPCA one eyed dog is going to be watching the game on the couch with me.

Artistic DB - Yes you're good at all types of art, so congratulations. Actually I don't have a problem with DB's at all except if it's for break dancing or that ABDC shit from mtv. If I was artistic I'd feel like I would try to use this as a way in to swindling girls to let me get it in. Girls love guys that can express their feelings through art, music, photography, writing, cooking? If cooking is consider some kind of art form then I'm good.

Young Doctor/Lawyer DB - Lets start with the young doctor DB. They are going to tell that it's all about helping people out and making sure that they can do the best for them, it's always been a dream of theirs since they were little kids. If that dream involved banging hot nurses and the hot girl with the lazy eye then all is good. In reality these DB's are following in Pa Dukes footsteps in screw people over. Young Lawyer DB is almost the same as his Doctor friend but his story is that he is doing the whole Lawyer thing for pro bono aka my law firm is making me start at the bottom and I hate it. They also tell these deep compelling stories of they went to hell and back for their plaintiff/defendant hoping for the best. Yea yea you're superman.

Lax Bro & Boat Shoes DB - I don't know which one is a bigger DB between the two, really? I think I may be cool with Lax Bro DB just for the fact that they have sick pinnies and are into sports. So I really don't care if they get it in, do it up and do work. Boat Shoes BD just seems like a giant DB that would pull a slug move on you if given the chance. They probably take a girl back to their pent house apartment and get it in on hidden cam and then stash it with the other videos in their Dell XPS 15z laptop. Until I chill with one of these Boat Shoes DB I have to keep this feeling about them.

That's all that I can think off for now so I don't have anymore types to list and go into detail about. Now I already know what most of you are going to be thinking and let me assure you that you're wrong so just get it out of your mind now. I am jealous of these types of guys so that's why I am talking bad about them, no confidence in myself and so on and so on. Being average is fine with me, I complain about it sometimes but I can deal with it. I just made this list to make others aware of the DB types and for people who don't like them. So there you go. Enjoy and hopefully you'll pass it along. God bless and much love.

P.S. I forgot to mention that not every dude that volunteers, work as a lawyers/Doctor is a douchebag but some dudes use their jobs as a way to act like they are better than others and that they have the right to get it in whenever and however they would like. So we all understand?

I Turned a blog into a Vlog...

By popular request, I turned my "Google+ Will cause RIOTS!!" post into a video for youtube... here it is.







and I would totally provide the link for the blog post it's based off of, but I actually don't give that much of a fuck. <3

I have been Domesticated!

I don't know how many people who follow me on facebook or the G+Spot read my blog, but for those of you who DO read my blog but DON'T follow me through other forms of social media... I have some special news.

After countless hours on G+Spot hangouts with my new "family", I have taken a major step in life and decided it was time to try something new to me. I quickly realized this man was the person that I wanted to swap cooking tips with, and trade windex horror stories with and so we decided that we were ready to take the next step and enter into a domestic partnership.

That's how those work right? I make you a sandwich, you do my laundry... pretty simple, eh? Well, we also indulge in some facebook poking, but I'll spare you the sticky details. I feel like every person in the world should have a domestic partner... nothing beats going home and having someone to do the chores with!

Steve and I are the best domestic partners anyone could have!

My partner is no ordinary guy... actually he is probably one of the coolest guys ever. And funny to boot! His name, you ask? Mr. Steve Tartaglia, or if you're on youtube you'd know him as SCTartaglia. Dude is hilarious. Get a box of wine in him and he will make you piss yourself with enjoyment. Watch out though, he gets kind of fiesty-- if he tries to poke you on facebook just make sure he's using a firewall and he doesn't have any trojan viruses.

Now that I'm all "domestic" and shit I feel the urge to do wierd things... like refill the soap dispensers in my bathrooms, and swiffer under the entertainment center. Has the wild beast that is Lauren... THE Queen of Sparkle herself, been tamed? We won't know yet for sure, but the second I get caught in a pink frilly apron or wearing a skirt then the world has something to be worried about. This blog might turn into a how-to guide for knitting or underwater basket weaving with the occasional funny piece from Josh to revive you from your boredom comas.

Until that time comes, I will do my best to supply my loyal compadres with their daily doses of inappropriate humor and the mortifying truths that are my life. Don;t be too panicked, please... for all our sake.

2,090,388 Youtube Views and Rebecca Black Is Killing It With Her New Song

This is truly amazing folks, this broad is straight up doing work with her music career and I won't even hate. Rebbecca Black is pulling the greatest magic trick of all time on everyone and making bank from it, all I can do is clap for her and give her that swag point. You ever heard of Gay for Pay(MTV's True Life....shit is out of this world)? Well This broad is "Awful for pay"....when you make shitty ass fuckin music and have a shit load of people sign into their youtube accounts and wish death upon you and hope your throat gets slashed so they won't have to hear you ever sing again. Absolutely brilliant, I tell you. Basically Ms Black pulled an Ashlee Simpson but perfected it 10x better and used her real voice instead of lip sync it. Also I would like to add that I make a quick cameo in this video at the 46 sec mark, yup I'm famous now. Oh, Jenna Mourey better watch out cause Rebecca is about to take Jenna's "fame" away? Is that right, I feel like I'm kinda wrong. Anyway who's more annoying between the two of these broads? Up and coming Ms Black or Jenna the broad with the more annoying voice and fake "hotness".....who will be the top youtube queen?

P.S. Please, oh please someone tell me what in the blue hell is name of the move that Rebecca did at the 1:14 mark? So vicious!
P.P.S. Pretty sad that I couldn't find anything better to blog about. Would anyone be interested in knowing about the real meaning of "The Last Drink"? No? Well I'm going to blog about it sometime so there you go.

Btw, Planking and losing "The Game" need to hurry up and die.

I'm in Love with a Girl.

No... really though. This girl (you may remember the delightful young lady who wrote my 100th post...) is friggin' fantastic, AND today just happened to be HER 100th post on her own blog.

The amazing kicker? I was her guest poster... I decided that my writing could do her blog no justice so i sat down and poured my feelings out in a video.

Catch the whole post Right Here and let her know how much you enjoyed it by both commenting and following her amazing blog. <3

One Cup Has Found Its Owner While The Other Cup Will Be Covered In Rice & Noodles

"ESPN-The Stanley Cup finally arrived in Canada, just a few hours late.

Nathan Horton's day with the trophy was shortened when it was caught up in a flight delay.

Tammy Plante-Horton, wife of the Boston Bruins forward, tweeted that the Cup was lost in Boston before it was to cross into Canada.

Parade will be late and cup will arrive this afternoon hopefully," Plante-Horton (ultimate smokeshow) tweeted around noon, shortly after she wrote "CUP day cut short if cup shows at all."

It finally arrived around 2:30 in the afternoon, after many of those who turned out to see it had left.

"I was a little disappointed about not seeing the Cup because that was the main reason why I wanted to go, because I haven't seen it yet," said Caledonia resident Amber Eyre, who drove down to see the Cup but left at around 1:30 p.m before it arrived.

She's also a fan of the Vancouver Canucks, the team Horton's Bruins beat in the finals. The loss gave her added incentive to go today's event.

"Being so close to almost getting the Cup and then not -- I just wanted to see it."

1. Give Horton at least 1 more extra day with the cup, the man deserves it.
2. How the fuck did this even happen? Let the man carry it with him in first class. Tell the stewardess it fits perfectly (No ma'am, the Stanley Cup doesn't have to go under the plane.
3. Hey Amber Eyre, you're a fan of the Canucks so you don't get pleasure of seeing the Stanley Cup. Tell the Sedin's that you're sorry that you didn't get a chance to fling bacon and eggs at the cup. Sheesh, this is some fake life shit. People these days just amaze me.
Well I hope Horton enjoys his time with the cup and does some crazy shit with it, you know the usually stuff. Invite Luongo to lunch and have the cup at the table with him, allow him to take a picture with it. Do it up Horton.


And yes....Japan won the World Cup. Rice parade and dozens of new Anime shows of team Super Japan and the Amazing World Cup fighting pokemon monsters. Oh well, at least team USA is dope with it and they don't look EXACTLY alike! Still love you Hope Solo and Alex Morgan.

Is The Blackberry This Legit? If It Is Then I Need One Asap

Sly mother fuckers the Blackberry company is for making this commercial that I saw for the first time last night, change my whole world turned upside down. I feel like I should be purchasing a blackberry so I won’t be out of the loop with this whole flirting and (s)texting thing. Even the dude with the skinny jeans(justin long look-alike) that they show bowling was getting ready to get it in, that’s when I knew I they were serious with BBM business. The last chick that they showed talking doesn’t even need a damn blackberry bbm, the way she’s talking I think she can get hers when ever. I’ve been doing good without the bbm, I think? Now I’m not even sure if I’ve been getting the right amount of girls since the bbm is basically telling me that panties will be dropping in moments with its power.
So is the blackberry bbm the real deal and I need to get my hands around of these fuckers so I can be getting it in. Eh, the blackberry bbm isn’t that good and you can do it on any phone? It’s about the charm and not the phone, right?
P.S. Does the blackberry have words with friends?

YoYo Kids are Taking Over!

I have been a follower/member of the yoyoing community since early 2008, and ever since then I have made some of the best friends I'm ever going to have. Lately, these kids have been stepping up and bringing yoyoing back into the mainstream by blowing us away with new tricks and amazing technology. I just wanted to take the time to introduce the world to a few yoyoers who i can see are going to launch into international super-stardom any day now. You heard it from us first!

Ian Johnson

1.) Ian Johnson. This kid is one of the coolest kids you'll ever meet. A huge people person, and an entertainer to boot. He is currently competing on America's Got Talent and has made it all the way to Hollywood (the first yoyoer ever to do so). At 16, he is a force to be reckoned with and I think every single person who reads this should Tune in to NBC on July 26th to watch him live, and vote for him to move on to the next round.

Brad Moss

2.) Brad Moss. Some of you regulars may have seen this guy lurking around in the comments, and that's because he's one of my best friend's ever. He can throw a yoyo so damn fast that you won't know what hit you. Some idiots even accuse him of making his videos in fast motion, however I know that isn't the case because I've seen him do his thing in person. Wicked fast, and wicked awesome. He's going to nail it at The World Yoyo Contest this year!

Mateusz Ganc

3.) Mateusz Ganc. Don't ask me how to pronounce his name, because I have no fricken' idea. Buddy is from Poland and I had no idea who he was until I saw a video of him that had better production value than every single music video Britney Spears ever made. Dude also lit a yoyo on fire, and you have to be a cocky mofo to have the balls to do that and then show the guy who's yoyo it was the video. I also dig his style, and I hope to meet him this August at worlds!




4.) Every other yoyoer in the world. Ok I feel like a douche saying yoyoer-- those of us "in the know" use the term Thrower, so catch on muggles...  Here are a few videos and photos that just show you some of the amazing things that can be done with this little delightful toy. <3

Tyler Severance

Tyler Severance is the first person I ever saw throw a yoyo with a counterweight. I was blown away, and dude just keeps bringing the heat.

Zammy <3

Zammy Ickler brings a whole new style and attitude to the yoyo world and I'm loving every minute of it!

Alex Curfman

Alex Curfman has progress SOO MUCH since the first time I saw him compete. This guy is even making his own strings with another great thrower, Will Mccue.

Noel Kunz

Pretty sure Noel tours the country putting on yoyo shows, which blows my mind. He knows how to please an audience by doing what he loves.

Coolest looking yoyo ever at whatsyoingon.com

What's Yoing On is a fairly new online yoyo store run by yoyoing's own John Huber and his lovely wife Julia. They run the whole store from their house in Buffalo, NY and they're striving to become the best and they are doing a damn good job. John also founded the one and only Ditch Down- the tattooed yoyo club.

I want Stoolies to Compete for My Attention.

I may rag on it sometimes, but Barstool Sports is actually a pretty good website/blog/glog. We all know that guys need to feel superior every once in a while by making lists of hot girls and bashing whatever idiot got themselves on the front page of yahoo news by doing something stupid-- and this is just the place, disguised as a sports blog.

I know a ton of people that frequent The Stool, and I have also seen the hundreds of "Viva La Stool" pictures so I know how ridiculously good looking some of these readers are-- both male and female. What I want is to have my own little collection. I used to have like 3 My little Pony doll things when i was a kiddo, but I want a hoarders-esque group of My Little Stoolies. Billions. Billions of shirtless, face painted, beer guzzling, sweaty, purple starfish pinnie wearing Stoolies.

I don't care if the stoolies think i'm the ugliest thing that crawled out of the bat cave, I still want them to want to be obsessed with pleasing me. (hey-- not that way, perv.) Hell, fuck it, why not open this to everyone? I want EVERYONE to join in on this... I want fans. Fan photos, fan shout outs, fan what-the-fuck-evers. Send that shit to me asap. Viva La Sparkle! Yeah, it sounds kind of gay-- real men don't sparkle but it's cool, because I'm a chick and I want to paint the town glittery red.

So hey Stoolies-- if you're reading this, I love you, and your snide comments, your tacky sports attire and your lax bro haircuts. Oh, and your big noses too. <3

I also want El Prez to be all, "hey wow I guess chicks CAN be funny sometimes..." (though I bet he'd never admit it...)

Make this shit happen!

To All The Teachers That Told Me I'll Be An Average Joe When I get Older....I Have News For You Now

I didn't turn out to be an average Joe but I did become an Internet average blogger....take that assholes.

It's official folks, I actually work for a real blogging website now. So does this make me a real blogger since this blog was bought by my friend/coworker/now new boss? I know it won't get me laid yet but I'll work on that later on down the road. Anyways I'm getting off topic here but what I wanted to say is that after 2 or 3 days this blog becomes a .com.....yea, shit just got real, folks.

Well since Lauren is thinking of what way she wants to take the blog or at least down the lines as she stated in her previous blog as you can see here ---->" I still have to decide if I want to go district lines like Jenna Marbles, or just do my own thang with cafepress. Probably the latter". Lauren I love you but you know my hate for the Jenna Marbles and her "shtick"....anti-Jenna swag I pronounce. However if she does chose to do that I'll respect for it and I try to become the new El Pres and be in charge once he is ready to step down. Actually I'm not too sure about that one yet but I'm Barstool bound one of these days and I will be doing some dual blogging. Sounds like some solid plans, ey?

When am I going to get my first paycheck? How awesome is the Inarticulate launch party going to be when ever it happens? I hope I am the only token in the room so no WSHH(For those of you who don't know World Start Hip Hop is some extreme black fighting website...I think). If we make some light weather hoodies that zip up all the way to the top and reveals my face once it's totally zipped would you nartic readers buy it? You guys would. Anyways, Lauren and I are going to try and brainstorm some marketing stuff and sell it for cheap. You're welcome.

Well thats about it for now. I need to take my ass to bed since I have to wake up at motha fuckin 4am so I can be in at work by 7am on my suppose day off.....mmhmm, let them see how lazy I am tomorrow. Alright, lates folks, good bless and do you.

The Sparkle is making Leaps!

Huge announcement!!!

Three days from now (so on July 15th) this blog will be completely transitioned over to OUR OWN DOMAIN!!! That's right people, leaps were taken and we're in the big time now.

Getting our own domain is like the equivalent of getting your own phone in your room, or having your first bank account... baby steps, folks. Soon enough we will be the next People of Walmart or the next DYAC. (wishful thinking never hurt anyone...)

I'm also working on making Inarticulate Sparkle merch... like tshirts and cool shit like that so I can force all my friends to wear them thus launching the blog into stardom. I still have to decide if I want to go districtlines like Jenna Marbles, or just do my own thang with cafepress. Probably the latter.

Anyway, I just thought I had to spill the news a bit early, because that's how excited I was... In 3 days I want everyone who reads this to post our link somewhere random and I will see how it effects the search results!

InarticulateSparkle.com -- it just has an amazing ring to it. <3

Random Blog, Useless Facts, And Questions Of All Kinds...Ready?

Before I start I'd like to apologize to the readers of Inarticulate Sparkle for my absence of blogging for the last couple days. Work has been mind fucking me every which way and then laughing at me when I try to escape. Shit is straight ridiculous but I am ready to get back into my blogging state of mind and spit some hot fire? Is it spit or blog hot fire? Anyways, lets get lost within my fucked up head and see if I can make you think.

Things I am really going to start blogging about......

A blog on girls, asses and their spandex pants. I have a grudge on the false advertising/allusion that spandex portrays. "That girl either has a legit ass or those spandex are doing a hell of a job creating an ass her for her". You know I am right.

Trying to hook up with Lauren....ignore this if you are reading this Lauren.

How I became employee of the moment while still being lazy and giving 50% effort. My teachers told me shortcuts will never work.

Daily news stuff. I love reading the news on the way to work, reminds me that shitty stuff happens to other people too. Makes me feel good.

Why assholes finish ahead of everyone else, good guys finish last and bad guys just don't care. If I had a quarter for every time a girl called me an asshole I'd be able to hire them and have them work in my special endings spa.

Things that confuse me.....

I use to be a boob man but over the last year I became an ass lover of the white girls. I don't know how this happen but it just did. I am going to have to sit down one day and figure this weird shit out.

Why won't the NFL let me enjoy my football? I want my fantasy football and I want to make out with drunk female football fans.

When are the smokeshows of Inarticulate Sparkle going to send me pics? Don't think about it as being creepy but more as of me being the black version of El Pres from Barstool sports but less successful.

Random Things....

I am going to try and hook up with Lauren, it needs to be done. Hopefully she isn't reading this....nah no way she will be.

Which drink is better? Arizona fruit drinks or Snapple?

I am so fucking tired right now just trying to do this blog, not cool. Yet I am giving you like 40% funny and trying to be clever.

The Smurfs moving is going to suck ass so don't watch it.

That's all for now.....

Till next time folks, which shouldn't be that long since I have Wednesday off so I'll be good to hit you up with some fireflames blogging.

P.S. I'm such a lazy fuck. Shit isn't even in the fake life realm. Someone send me some words/pictures of encouragement. Alright? Thanks and Thanks,

Google+ will cause RIOTS!!!

I can see it now... "BITCH, PUT ME IN YO CIRCLE!"

What about all those creepers who can now follow your every move? You will have to individually block them... sweet. I mean yeah, Google+ is in its testing stage so of course there is room for improvements but among all the people who have instantly fallen for this new trend, I am a skeptic.

Maybe once more people join, and I have more activity in my stream, I will understand the hype. Until then, it's just facebook without fan pages, or walls. The one thing I do love and think I can have tons of fun with are the circles.

The circles that I currently have are as follows: Friends, Family, Youtubers, and YoYo Friends. Self explanatory really... but once more of my friends join I am going to get a little more in detail. My circles are going to be the one thing that will finally let people know how I really feel about them, and it probably won't be a good thing but it will be funny as shit, and I don't give a fuck anyway sooo...

My circles as they will be once more of my friends join:

Best Friends: This circle will be reserved for all the people in my life who I have ever considered one of my best friends. Once a Biffle always a biffle amiright?

Ex BFs: Obviously... i will group all these guys together (i say 'all these' like there's hundreds... trust me, there's not) so that they all know who their predecessors are. I feel like they need to see how they stood in the line of my former love interests.

Hot Girls: These will be the girls that I am only friends with because they are ridiculously good looking and therefore attract so many men that the strays eventually make their way over to me.

Co-Workers: These are the folks who I feel I need to remain in good terms with because they probably know a little bit too much about me from after-work parties and such... don't want any blackmailing incidents!

Bar Buddies: Probably one of the better circles to be in... these are the people who I constantly see out on the town and who I trust enough to get totally wasted around. Also, these are the people who always know where the fun is going down.

Internet Boyfriends: All the guys who I haven't actually met in real life but who I feel like I've known forever and therefore I've built pseudo-relationships with them in my mind... or on skype.

Cool Kids: Quite the opposite. To avoid crushed feelings, all those in the cool kids circle will actually be those annoying douche bags who I really dont have the heart to tell 'em to fuck off.

Those Guys: These will be the circle of guys whom I've ever had any type of awkward moment with. For example, the guy you drunk made out with at his girlfriend's birthday party... yeah he's one of Those Guys.

Family: This one isn't just reserved for mom & dad... all friends of the family are here as well, mostly so I can make my embarrassing or otherwise self-demeaning posts not visible to that specific circle as to avoid the weird looks at Thanksgiving and Christmas parties.

YoYo Friends: Most loyal circle of them all... these people are all really cool, really talented, and always know how to have a good time!

Just Friends: These are people I'm on the fence about... yeah maybe we hung out a few times with mutual friends, but we've never had an actual conversation. Or maybe you're a guy who tries way too hard to get my attention so to give you the hint I put you in the just friends circle... OR you could even be a girl who i dont quite know where you fit in, in my extensive list of friends and family.

I can only imagine the drama Google+ will bring... first it was the Top 8 on MySpace... then it was relationship statuses on FaceBook... now it's friend circles. God help us all.

My Fake Blogging Boss Likes To Be A Ninja Turtle...Wait What?

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages....I present to you my fake blogging boss, - Lauren "The Adult Not So Mutant Ninja Human Girl Turtle" with the red mask. Folks, I am kinda worried that she may ask me to dress up too and go fight crime along her in drunk bars. Something I can't do since I don't have health insurance, nor have I gotten into a fight since 08 so I can't take the chance to be her sidekick and help her fight bar crimes....(I think I just made that up, right? - Bar crimes) Anyways, I think I might have to be anti turtle backpack swag and try to convince her to ditch it and rock something more spiffy, its only the right thing thing to do. Plus the turtle backpack is holding this blog back!!! Investors won't throw money at Inarticulate Sparkle with a girl that is dressed up as a turtle and I will be losing out on my 15% cut of what ever amount this blog makes.

However I have no problem with Lauren dressing up like this and inviting me down to FL to see her in action.
P.S. To be fair I should mention that Lauren is a sexy gal when she's not dressing up as a crime fighter so that picture doesn't do her any justice, cute it is....not creepy.

I was Kidnapped!!!

Ok... not entirely true.

I haven't been home for the past 5 fucking days. Holy shit, dudes. I planned on being out for a few hours and coming home on Friday evening but then so many plans were made that I barely had time to breathe. 

I'm going to do a quick re-cap of my 5 day weekend for all to enjoy, not because I feel I owe it to you, but because I feel like I will forget it if I don't write it down. (So don't feel special)

On Friday I hung out with my buddy Lentz and his roommate... we went to our usual spot, Surfside Tavern, for some drinks and to people watch. Since all we had to do was walk across the street to get back to their place, everyone decided that I was going to drink a little bit too much and be the evening's entertainment. Time goes by, and the bar gets close to closing time, and Lentz, Chris and I decide we were hungry as shit. The only remedy to our hunger? 7-11 Cuban sammiches. De-friggin'-licious.

Friday night at Surfside... keeping the pimp stand strong.

Saturday was supposed to be a whole bunch of things, but it ended up just being some what lazy. Lentz, Chris and I went to Target to return a piece of crap TV stand and find a better one. I also ended up buying a shirt to change into, once again because I was NOT prepared to be out more than a few hours. KFC for lunch, we ate the shit out of some mashed potato bowls and then came back to their apartment where I helped Chris build the new TV stand. Not unlike the last one, this one had it's problems as well. It was better in quality by a long shot, but leave it to Chris's luck that his tv didn't fit the mount. Time went by, we all took a much needed nap, and then at around 8 we went to a Japanese Steak House for dinner where their good friend was the manager. I will forever think of him as Rocko because he looks exactly like Rocko from The Boondock Saints. (i'm talking identical, but if Rocko was like 10-15 years younger.) After dinner Chris dropped Lentz and I off at Surfside again, but there was legit only 2 people there. Fantastic. We found out that a bunch of our friends had gone to a different bar called Stingray's, so off we went... This time I drank even more than the night before. I had about 6 drinks at Stingray's with Lentz, :Caso" and Kyle (among others who I didn't know as well) and then Lentz left to go pick up his nephew who had just flown into town from Louisiana. Between the time that Lentz left and came back I had walked down the street to another bar called Sickboy's (should be called suckboys, honestly...) where I had 2 more drinks. I also had 4 CD's from the guy at the door who would hand one to me every time I left and came back, it was his way of saying "You're drunk, here's something to remind you where you were tonight if you forget in the morning." I made my way back to stingray's for one more drink, that I ended up pouring all over myself, just as Lentz was pulling back up with his nephew. I was given the task of going back into sickboys to retrieve Caso and bring him back to the car... some how I accomplished said task, but by the time I had gotten back into the car I was already telling Lentz's nephew that I loved him and he was awesome. (Typical? lol) We all made it back to Lentz's apartment on the beach, and I was significantly more intoxicated from the ride... The rest of the evening was spent nearly pissing ourselves during the rap battle of the century and eating ice cream from 7-11 at 4am, and also numerous accounts of myself telling Lentz's nephew how amazing he was while doing whatever I could to keep hugging him. (don't ask... the kid is cute and all but I must have a weird thing for young guys when I'm drunk)

The epic rap battle... Ashton and Caso.

Sunday morning didn't actually start in the morning... I was the first to wake up a bit after 11, almost at noon. I got a call from my buddy Kyle asking if I wanted to go out on a boat, and of course I did... the dilemma? No bathing suit. Soo I walked across the street to CVS and bought some deodorant, razors, toothpaste, toothbrush and a drink, and then I went to a store called Bikini Co. Let me just say, it's easy to spend a shit ton of money in that friggin' store. I found a bikini that I liked, and booked it back to the apartment to take a shower. Probably the best shower ever... 2 drunk nights and vodka soaked pants make you really appreciate soap and warm water. Some time around 2 everyone was finally up and moving, so Lentz, his 2 nephews and I went down to go sit by the pool, where we realized  we hated little girls who we weren't related to. Also, that I didn't like his nephew as much when i was hungover lol...Though he does feel like we were made for each other. Hey Ashton-- call me ;) (ha...)  Finally our plans to go on the boat were all set, after some ridiculous delays (poor guy blew both tired on his trailer on his way there) and we all met up at the pier down the road. It was about 5:30 by the time we actually put the boat in the water. It was major fun-- Kyle showed off his n00b wake-boarding skills that were actually pretty impressive, the 3 other girls hopped on the banana tube and got whipped back and forth like Willow Smith's hair, and we were ALMOST stranded because we thought the boat died. just as it was getting dark, we got the boat back on the trailer, and I parted ways with Lentz and the crew. I went back to Kyle's house with Stephan, the guy with the boat, and we grilled up some burgers and chicken with some mac & cheese that was fucking delicious. I don't know what time we passed out but I think it was some time around 2 or 3, but probably earlier because there wasn't a single ounce of energy left in our bodies.

Kyle grillin' like a mofo.

Monday, which was the 4th of July, was spent sleeping on Kyle's couch, watching movies on netflix, eating hot dogs and lemon cake, and being all around lazy asshole. We did not light nor observe a single firework and I don't think either of us minded one bit. Now it's Tuesday, and I am finally home. I forgot to mention that for a large portion of this adventure my phone was completely dead so I was not connected to the outside world much at all, and I didn't mind one bit. I had a great time hanging out with some good friends, and I am glad I spent my weekend doing what I wanted to do, instead of what someone else decided I was going to do.

Sooo that's the story of how I was kidnapped... not nearly as interesting as the Casey Anthony Trial. That chick is going to be killed by someone when she shows her face in public. I just have that feeling. I mean, it's not going to be me but who the fuck wouldn't be pissed off? Bitch got away with murder. Ugh, really florida? really?