RIP little Dell 600m

Well it happened... my laptop is no more. Not only foes it get so hot that it burns my lap, but the charger is finito as well.

Now for some reason I have a couple super generous people in my life who I cannot thank enough. First a car, and now a brand new Dell laptop complete with webcam for frequent vlogging. I'm also pretty impressed that vlogging is programmed into my auto correct...

Anyway, short blog is short. Will have my new pc on the fifth. Until then just quick updates!

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Turtle Appreciation day one.

So just a quickie for now since I'm on my phone...

I went to a lot of places today sporting the turtle backpack and the reactions were fantastic. Next time I need to bring a camera fo'sho.

Oh, and I officially have a car titled in my name now... yay!

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Prized Possesions...

It's here.
And I love it.

I want to put it on proudly, an parade around the mall, and the grocery store, and walmart, and the flea market, and I want to bask in the jealous eyes of the entire population of daytona beach.

I even want to put it on, and lay face first in the grass near a pond and scoot around on my belly! -- ok, maybe not.

This backpack is going to journey with me this summer, and be a witness to probably one of the most epic summers ever. It will be on youtube, facebook, probably not twitter because that shit is dumb as fuck... but maybe dailybooth as well. It will carry money, and make up, and yoyos, and my laptop if it doesn't die this week. Spare socks, my camera, batteries, and my planner will also tag along... and can't forget the turtle masks that came with it!

I have many a plan for you, sweet backpack, many a plan.
If I could fit the over 100 nail polishes I own inside of you, you bet that I would, alas those where quite more expensive than you and you haven't gained my trust yet. But time may tell, turtle backpack... we may become best of friends.


I call that "Ode to Turtle Backpack."
You fuckin' loved it, don't lie.
And as if Jenna Marbles didn't boost turtle backpack sales enough, this might be the final step into launching it into a full on fashion trend of the century.

My mom even said it was awesome, and she's the queen of hating everything!

I love fat wieners!!

YOU PERVS!!
I have 2 adorable wiener dogs, one of which is quite... robust, if I may. He has the body of a stuffed sausage. But... i love him to death. He is my widdle baby and my best buddy too!

Anyways, he's writing this blog with me tonight, so say hi to Frankie :)

So.... I GOT MY NINJA TURTLES BACKPACK TODAY!!! And I plan on possibly doing an impromptu photo shoot tonight with it... we'll see. If it happens, you folks will be the first to know... perhaps also the only ones to know. It's all just a big 'if' though so no worries.

I kind of want to go somewhere tomorrow, just so i can wear my backpack... possibly even the beach, so i can wear the backpack with a bikini, so i get even more attention. (ha, I'm an attention whore, so what? if you had boobs, you'd do it too.)

Lalala, today was boring. Sat around at my house sans-bf all day, playing with the dogs, and being hungry. My parents seem to go grocery shopping all the time, but there's never anything to eat, wtf? They'll spend $100 on food, unpack it at home, and then I realize there's no snacks, or there's nothing to drink. I'm sick of water and triscuits!!! I FUCKING HATE TRISCUITS! There may be an upside to this though... in one week I'll weigh myself, and I'll call it the parental diet, if I lost anything.

I have a feeling I'll lose weight in NY too, being around all the freshly grown produce will make me want to eat healthy... we'll see. In the meantime, I'm going to Netflix me some Trailer Park Boys (best. show. ever.) and snuggle with my weenie roast, and try to pass out hungry!

Hizzouse sweet Hizzouse

Today was the day that something had to be done differently, and so it has been done. I told the bf, hey I wanna go home and stay at my house... it's about time.

The end.

Now i'm sitting at my house, in my bed, with my doggies while the boy is burning his retinas on the ps3. He is OBSESSED with the new game I bought him called Crysis 2... I'd suggest checking it out, it even looks cool to me, and i don't do shooter games.

My ninja turtle backpack is due to arrive tomorrow, so i'm stoked about that one... I'm going to use it as a purse from now on instead of my beat-up dooney. bleh. Depending on what the rest of my familia is doing tomorrow, I think I want to head to the beach for some sunshine. I need some more color in my life, because hoarding nail polish just isn't enough sometimes.

Sorry that this is boring... the highlight of my day was probably getting a $100 bill in the mail. No, not a bill for $100, literally a piece of paper money. Ha...

The night is winding down, and I'm waiting for the friday night Jenna Marbles UStream show thing... because I have no social life of my own and i live it vicariously through others. :)

Serial Psycho.

Well, bf's mom is at it again. This time, he was her target. She flipped the fuck out because his dentist gave him a subscription for pain pills after his root canal. Seriously? I dont think a fucking advil would suffice right now.

Now he's all pissed off, and will be for the rest of the day AT LEAST, and I have to deal with it. As much as i try to avoid drama, him and his mom embody that word. Also, as much as I love him, it's gotta go.

My life was so much less stressful when i didn't have drama queen, and drama king following me around. NY will be good for me... and i CANNOT wait to get there. Wont be easy though, so keep up suggestions for Dare to Donate.

In the mean time, I'm expecting this to come in the mail tomorrow:



So that's cool... lol.

Reasons Why I'm a Mythical Creature.

I have a lot of guy friends, and they are always saying how I'm either the coolest girl ever, or I'm actually just a guy in hiding. Well, I know i don't have a wiener, and I for sure have boobies... yep, I'm a chick.

However, Here is a list of reasons I've been given why I'm the mythical "Perfect Girl."

1) I love me some beef jerky.
2) I will help my guy friends pick up chick's in bars.
3) I OWN at guitar hero.
4) I love guns.
5) I don't cause drama, I end it.
6) I love playing poker with the guys.
7) I buy my bf video games that he ultimately plays with more than he plays with... me.
8) Yeah, I love animals, because they're cute and they taste good as fuck.
9) I friggin' love sports. Not because of hot athletes, but because I love to compete.
10) I wanted to be on the football team in high school.
11) I can appreciate a hot girl when I see one.
12) If you're my friend, I'm loyal to you... until you give me a reason not to be. Then you are n longer my friend.
13)I'm not a skank whore!

I dont know how many more qualities a perfect woman could have... (joking.)


On a side note, the BF had a root canal today and let me just say the look on his face when he came out of the office was priceless. I an only describe it as the best grin ever... like a baby found a huge stash of things to poop on. And then he laid down this gem; "When I was in there there weirdest thing happened to me! I realized how small I really was in this world. Ya know, all these fuckin' people have all these teeth!"

Bahahahahha

Google the shit out of this...

I love google. I also love how blogger tracks how people find your page. According to blogger, someone found my blog by googling "girl poops boyfriend's pants."

Yeah... idk if that says something about what or how I write, but that's funny as fuck.

Anyway, day one of Dare To Donate has commenced. Slow and steady is how I anticipate this to start off... here's my first request:

Bradley.Jon.Moss said...

I want another Dancing Bear video... BUT! There is a catch! All the shots have to be in public areas, where there is a good amount of foot traffic. I don't care if you wear the bear head constantly so people don't know who you are, but this needs to be done. Shit, you can come down here (or come pick me up) and I'll fucking tape this shit for you!!! I just want good reactions from people! Hell, I'll even edit the damn video if you want me too!!! I can donate $5 to start it out! (I'll have to give you the cash in person though, all I gots is casshhhh)

People, you need to fucking vote on this shit RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! And donate your little asses off. It's not like she's going to be using this money to go out and buy crack (hehe charlie sheen)...

If you dont know what he means by dancing bear video, here they are...

The Original Bear Dance

Bear Dance 2

Bear Dance 3

Bear Dance 4

Keep coming with suggestions!!!

Time for a quickie?

Is there such thing as quick money anymore? Anything short of selling drugs, or sex, and I'm down. It's been about 2 weeks since I've stopped working, and my bank account is suffering even with my tax return. Gas prices being so damn high doesn't help.

My problem is, I need to book my plane ticket to NY. I can do that, it's only $106 total. BUT, once I do that, I have to conserve the shit out of everything. I can try to get a quick job on the side, but I had so much stuff to do before I head north for a couple months, that a quick job would leave me with more stress than it's worth. I may have jumped the gun by quitting my job, but it was going to happen anyway... idk how long it would have been before I choked someone out for talking shit again.

I need some help... and here's my idea:

I will do dares for donations. Like truth or dare, but without truth... and I'm going to say it once, and only once... Let's keep it PG. (this will be going on youtube)

Dare me to do something, donate whatever you want into a paypal I will set up, and I will film myself doing that dare. Want to see me get the shit scared out of me? Want me to embarrass myself in public? Now's your chance...

Here are the rules:
- nothing that will cause physical or mental harm to another person or animal.
- nothing illegal.
- I will not eat any bugs, or gross nasty shit... I have an intestinal disease and this will make me ill.
- NO NUDITY/ OBSCENITY!
- once again, Keep it PG!
- that's about it...

What you need to do:
- comment your requests.
- vote on the ones you want to see the most.
- I will notify you when I have filmed and uploaded the videos and privatized them, and once a certain amount of money has been raised for that video, i will make it public, and post it here.


I think I will make it so that once $10 has been donated, I will post a video, then once $20 I'll post another, and then I'll go by multiples of 5's??

This all depends on interest gained by you all. I really want to be able to afford to come work in NY this summer, and in turn, party New England style. So help me out!!

I'm going to send the link to this blog to my favorite vloggers & bloggers (Jenna Mourey of StoolLaLa, all of BarStool Sports, CTFxC and Gradlife) and see if they will help me out... if they do it would be AMAZING, but if they don't I'll still love them and plug their shit all the time lol.

If I do well with this, I think I will donate 50% of the earnings to a charity. Any ideas? Red Cross for Japan?

It's starting to get creepy!

It's happened everyone.
I'm doing it...
I'm becoming a creepster.

If you've read any of my posts from the past week, you'd know I'm majorly obsessed with the phenomenon that is Jenna Marbles. Well, I mentioned that I was developing a girl crush, but not quite to the point of becoming a creepster... until now.

I've taken the plunge into creepster territory, and I ordered myself the infamous ninja turtle backpack that Jenna sports around bean town. It isn't just completely random though, since I do have pet turtles... which I guess drops the creepy level down a few points. So there's a plus I guess.

Anyway, in order to be more like my idol (lol i feel lame saying that) I am going to step up my workout routine. I will be going from 1 run a day, to 2... and also going to start P90x in the next week or so. Then I'm going to get tan as shit, only it'll be a real tan, not a bottle tan. Not gonna bleach my hair, I prob couldn't pull it off. I'm gonna do the whole transformation into hot sexy bod kickass chick mode. You just wait... the only difference between me and Miss Mourey will be hair color and tattoos.

I need some wardrobe suggestions though. I'm a tshirt kinda girl, and lately it's been baggy boyfriend cut V-Neck t's... do you guys like the regular crew neck better? Hmm.

ALSO, tentative date for NY is June first... still trying to work out the kinks.

The Odyssey?

I just finished watching "O' Brother, Where Art Thou?" w/ the bf. I love this movie... idk if it's the old timey music, george clooney, or that the actor who played George "Baby Face" Nelson used to be my neighbor. Anyways, after the movie was over I was telling the boy how it was based off The Odyssey by Homer. Now, I haven't actually read The Odyssey since like 10th grade, so I don't remember every little detail, but if he were to as me a question about how a part of the movie correlated to Homer's work, I could answer it. However, I must have lucked out, because this kid canNOT ask enough questions! (sense the sarcasm??)

I finally had to ask him to shut up... it was getting annoying. Example: "I know you hate country music, but why do you like the music in this movie?" Umm... because it's not country music? It's folk music... and older at that... no tractors and honkey tonk here, buddy!

Well, to the point of this blog... I want a turn at asking all the questions, so here are a few that I'd LOVE some answers to.


How do I get people to stop saying 'vag'? I hate that word...

How many colors/ variations of colors exist today?

How do we know there aren't multiples dimensions of people living on Earth right now?

What more proof do people need that dinosaurs were real?

Am I the only one who wants more proof of the moon landing?

If Neil Armstrong took the first steps on the moon, who brought the camera out there to film him getting off the ship?

Who decided that a lobster looked like it would make a delicious meal?

Who was the first idiot to say "Hey lets roll this plant up into another plant, and light it on fire, and inhale it," ?

How fucking weird are feet?

Do different people appear more attractive to some than they do others? What do the others see differently?

Do dogs know the difference between other dogs, and cats? Raccoons? Rhinos?

Why does soda taste amazing when it's bubbly, but gross when it's flat?


...... I have a ton more, but I have to pee, and I'm not going to leave my browser open while doing so. Have some to add? Comment them :)

Mo' fuggin' Perfection.

I'm a baller.

A shot caller.

...and all that other fuckin' shit.

Soo tomorrow is my bf and I's 2 year anniversary. We're gonna try to stay in a haunted hotel in Saint Augustine so that I shit my pants or something cool like that. Don't worry, I'll do my best to film it.

Also, friend of mine who I oogled over, and blah blah and then got in a huge fight with... well apparently he has no recollection or just chooses to pretend it never happened because suddenly I'm his bff again. Right? Anyway, dude calls me and offers me a pretty cushy sounding job for the summer, but the only catch is that it's in NY. I really wanna do it, but i know bf is gonna piss himself nightly if I go up there. I was thinking bring him with me, but that probably won't work because there's no waves. I hope I cant figure something out, because I really wanna do this... and i also really wanna stay with the boy. It's true... I lub him.


In other news, Jenna Fucking Marbles has done it again. Her videos make me cry with laughter, but now I'm developing this serious girl crush... it's not at a creepy level yet, but it could be soon. If I start making video responses and shit, then watch out because that'll send me into full on lez-mode.

Here's her most recent creation: The Biggest Blogger.

I don't have much else, except that I need a fucking tan, and my K button needs to stop being such a pussy.

Someone got Served.

Ohhhh man.

Today. was. RIDICULOUS.

So, started off ok, woke up, showered, went out for breakfast, and then cruised along beach road for a little bit with the bf. Everything was fine and dandy... and then we came back to his house.

His mom came up for the day, since we haven't seen her since before new years, and all was normal at first, she commented how my haircut looked cute, and how it took guts to chop all my hair off. (Hey, she was right.)Then her and her boyfriend, whom my bf lives with, went off to go to Lowe's.

Not 10 minutes later, bf's phone rings, and she is FUMING on the other side, over something she found out that was none of her business, and all of mine. They turned the car around and came back, stormed inside, and bitch goes friggin' nuts on me. Tells me that I'm a liar, and blah blah blah. She then tells me to pack up my shit and go home. Oh HELL no! First of all, she got miss-informed in the first place. The information she was trying to dig up was NONE of her business, and to top it all off, she was acting like i had something horribly wrong! My bf followed her outside and informed her that she was indeed incorrect, and that it was completely unacceptable to do whats he just did... I'll give him credit, he was doing good with damage control, but it was too late on my end.

As they're all outside discussing the explosion, I'm inside tearing shit up. I'm going through the whole house trying to find what's mine, because at the time all i wanted to do was get the fuck out of there. Then, she comes back inside. The conversation went as follows: (keep in mind, the whole time i was crying hysterically, because i was so mad.)

Her: *with a conniving grin on her face* Lauren, I didn't mean to be mean to you, or hurt your feeling, it's just...

Me: Shut the fuck up! This was none of your fucking business to begin with, and you had no right to go around behind my back to find out the details. Now please get away from me right now!

Her: Um, excuse me, you're in MY boyfriend's house--

Me: I dont give a fuck where I am, I'm pacing my shit and leaving anyway, now go the fuck away!

Her: No! You listen to me because I'm an adult and I know what I'm talking about!

Me: Um, no...I'm the fucking adult, and I know what's right for me, you are not my mother. You are not an adult, you're a fucking psycho bitch, and i dont like you, and i need you to get away from me before i freak the fuck out on you.

Her: I'm a psycho bitch? Is that how you feel? After 2 years with my son, that's how you feel about me?

(at this point, my bf comes inside because he hears me screaming at her...)

Me: Yes, that's exactly how i feel. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE! (i was probably smoking from my eyes and ears...)

Her: Fine, but honey you are seriously mistaken if you think my son will pick you ver me. (turns to him) Right?

Bf: Um... *points at me* I pick her.

Her: *storms off, and leaves*


-- I am not even kidding. That is probably the second maddest I have been in my whole life...

I'm not kidding about this lady being a psycho either... a couple hours later she comes back, with crab legs, and makes everyone dinner. Then, she says she's going to go shopping and asked me if i needed anything.

Mind = blown.

I' still really friggin' pissed off... if there's one thing i HATE, is when other people butt into my business. Oh, and want to know what this is over? Me quitting my job, for a better one. She was all pissed because she heard from someone who I dont even know, that I got fired and had no job now. Bullshit. I'm thinking of taking my tax return and going on vacation... NY possibly?

Mind your own fucking business!

Ok, I know that I have this blog thing, and I use it to write down some pretty personal shit... but I do it to get it off my chest. 90% of my posts are just me writing stuff down so I can come back at a later date, and re-live it all. The other 10% is just babble that is on my mind. I don't really care how many people comment, or follow, or how many hits i get, because I dont expect anyone to really give a flying fuck about what im writing.

I'm not a writer, I'm not super funny, there's certainly nothing about this blog that's so interesting, that a bunch of people must flock to it daily. Right? I'm fucking normal. However, as of recently, for some reason, I went from like 200 hits total, to getting 200 hits a day... thats kind of a lot, for someone who only has 9 followers. So I'm writing this post here, to kind of give all you randoms out there a bit of info about me.

My name is Lauren.
I am indeed, a female.
I'm a 20-something.
I think meat is delicious.
I'm addicted to candy.
I lub aminals :)
On my keyboard,the following keys tend to not work very well: 8,u,o,k.
I hate drama, but drama queens seem to flock to me.
I curse like a sailor in real life too, it's not just how i blog.
If an 'i' is not at the beginning of a sentence, i tend to not capitalize it, not because i think im unimportant, but because im friggin lazy.
Want to win me over? find me on facebook, send me a message, get my address, and send me some pretzel m&m's.
I have a wonderful BF of 2 years, and he is super sweet, and ridiculously good looking.
I LOVE Dr. Pepper.
I can't drink water unless it is ice cold, otherwise it makes me want to throw up. (awesome visual, you're welcome.)
If I never get married or start a career, I will probably become an animal hoarder.

That's all i got for now buddies... got some ideas, or want to hear any stories? Let me know... ;)

I need some Jenna Marbles in my life.

So I've got this weird ass condition, I don't even think there's a name for it yet, but the symptoms go as follows:

- shortness of dress.
- inflammation of the chest area.
- inflammation of the rear.
- inability to wear shirts that aren't low-cut.
- obsession with all things that glitter, or make people think I look shiny and pretty.

... the technical term as of now is "Skank Ho."


---nah, I'm just kidding about the skank ho part. I'm not really. Yet. Much. BUT all of those symptoms do yield a problem... I cannot for the life of me make a female friend.

Sure, girls say they're my friends and junk, but in reality they are just acquaintances. Every time i hang out with a girl, it's all awkward silence and random heh... so....'s. Today, for example. I met up with this girl who is on this message board I frequent. She posted how she was going to this event in my town and I was all "hey, i live there too!" So we arranged to meet up at 2pm at the entrance to this Motorcycle and hot rod show at a tattoo parlor. So i get there, we meet up and right away she greeted me with a hug.

...I am NOT a hug person. I am socially awkward in a way... I'm very weird about people touching me. No biggie though, don't wanna be rude so i play along. I follow her and her boyfriend to the back of the building where they were hanging out with a bunch of their friends. Right from the get-go, I could tell these weren't my group of buddies. All inked up, piercings all up in this shit, weird ass hair colors, the works. I looked like the one preppy girl who hung out with the artistic emo scene kids... and all i was wearing was a v-neck and jeans. (mind you, i even have tattoos, but these chicks were COVERED.)

I was having a good time bullshitting with them all though, I'll give them that much, but it was when i decided to get going that I knew I somehow rubbed them all the wrong way. When I arrived, the girl I met introduced me to EVERYONE she knew... i literally shook hands with like 50 people. But when I said I was going to head out, all I got was "ok, it was nice meeting you," from this girl. Um... ok? I had even prepared to get another damn hug, and this is all i fuckin' get? I thought i scored my first real female friend since i lived in this hellish state, but I guess not.

All of this leads me to this girl... Jenna Mourey. (aka Jenna Marbles.) This chick is the coolest girl ever. I love her. She's too funny for words, and i need a best friend like her. Someone make this happen... I need to get this girl to come down here and we need to do some fucking #winning. ASAP dudes.

What the Flapjack?

Dear Boys,

Stop being so fucking confusing. Seriously, you all boggle my mind. My mind is friggin' boggled. QUIT IT! Like, for real... is it necessary to be such a piece of shit nugget?! All I want to do is live my damn life, possibly with one of you, and ya know... be happy and shit. I wanna watch some movies, drink some fizzy sodas, snuggle on the coat or some shit. Whatever little bubble gum couples do these days. I just need you all to stop being such turds. Knock it off with all this bull about having "bro" time, and chillax with the whole "blah blah I'm never getting married I'm macho" bologna. We all know you cry in the damn corner at night because you're so lonely.

It's not a big fuckin' deal to be all "Hey, you're right, I should listen to everything you tell me to do." Because then our friggin' lives will be that much easier. I don't give two shits if you want to piss outside, if it means my toilet seat will be clean so I dont get your piss on my ass cheeks. Wanna smoke some weed once and a while? Fuck if I care! Just don't bring that stinky ass garbage around me and I'm cool! And brush your nasty ass teeth before you even try to kiss me with Kush-mouth. You're cute and all, but I gotta draw that friggin' line somewhere. Oh, and you're gonna go drink some beers with your "buddy"? Well go ahead, but you're the asshole who's got to bail your dumbass self out of jail the next morning.

Oh, and mister "I'm never going to commit to a woman." Grown the fuck up! You call me kid day in and day out, but I'm not the one that's scared of real life feelings. You know, that shit that Shakespeare writes down? Yeah... those are them. Put your fuckin' quarter-life crisis shit aside, and focus on the real future. You want to be alone your whole damn life? I sure as hell don't!

Here's a start, hold a convention for twits like yourselves... have a guest speaker or two, most likely a woman, and and adult male. Bring a notepad, trapper-keeper, whatever... and take some damn notes. This is the real world, not some Disneyland, "I do what i want!" bogus-fest. Open your eyes, take a whiff of fucking sunshine and shitty gas station coffee, and stop listening to your brains (because we all know they aren't fully developed yet) and listen to your heart.

Love,
Lauren.


p.s. Haircut... like?

Team Sheen!

Charlie Sheen this, charlie sheen that... blah blah blah.

The dude is a genius. Seriously, people are talking about him now more than ever! Yeah maybe he really is a nut job, but oh well. Who fucking cares? He's another celebrity nut job, like the thousands before him, what makes this case special? We already knew the guy had problems, so what's the big deal? I am willing to go on record with the awesome people at BarStool Sports and say that Charlie Sheen is FULL of win right now. This is all a game, and he. is. winning.

I think that I need to take some career moves straight from Mr. Sheen's winning handbook, because everyone knows that Women who behave rarely make history.

Torn.

I probably made a huge mistake, but it's cool... it happens. I just have to figure things out quicker than anticipated... and that's what sends me into panic mode now.

I'm bad at getting things done in a timely manner, especially if those things are important things. Homework was never my thing... essays i could do, because those things had longer timelines. But the sort of thing I'm dealing with now, it's a little bigger than homework. Well, a lot bigger.

First of all, I reeeaaallly want to follow my dreams in these next few weeks/months. However, to do that I might have to make some stupid decisions that I've made before... the same decisions that screwed a whole year of my life up. But were they really that bad if I'm willing to do them again?

I have a way of running from my problems... but this time I feel like I needed this change. If only I had the guts to write about it.